Playing the Waiting Game

[one of my favorite moments from the weekend. I sure do love them]

-----------------------

Ten days have never felt so long-----scratch that, every post-ovulation-waiting-time feels so unbearably long. 

This time, things can go one of two ways: first scenario is, my next cycle doesn't start in the next ten days (this current cycle's day 35), and I call my doctor and we will try to find out what's wrong (he's concerned because my last cycle was 42 days---12 days longer than my normal). Or, I do start my next cycle and I start my first round of meds and injections next month.

The waiting game is the worst. Time passes so slowly and my mind just fills with every possible scenario that could unfold. Sometimes I get hopeful and think, "this time it worked, this is all over". And then almost instantly those thoughts are replaced with, "how naive of you, Meg, there's no way you're done with this trial". Honestly, being positive and hopeful is really difficult, because I feel like I just get let down. Positivity in this is easier said than done for me. The fall to frustration and sadness is a lot shorter when your hopes aren't that high. 

I sound awfully cynical. I'm trying to have more faith about all of this, but its a challenge for me! And I feel guilty that I can't get to that point of peace and hope.

I read so many talks and books and articles about people going through infertility and other trials, and they talk about how they overcome it and trust that God is taking care of them and that everything is ok and their faith carries them through everything.

And I'm just not at that point!

And I'm doing what I can to get there, but its just not happening. 

And I'm afraid that God won't help me because I can't yet accept what is happening to me and let my faith be greater than infertility. 

And then I become more frustrated.

-----------------------

Today marks the start of my life sans job (for the time being), and so far its going well. I have a lengthy list of projects, activities, crafts, chores, recipes, and general to-dos that I can spread throughout the next few weeks until Joey graduates from Power School in May. The truth is that I'm very excited about this time. I will be less stressed. Joey will be less stressed. I can schedule my various appointments at the fertility clinic without having to worry about missing work. I can have the time to take a mental break and cry on the really hard days. I can work on things that will uplift me and and help me feel productive and creative during a time when I sometimes feel like a broken waste of space. I think that at this time in my life, this is going to be good for me. 

-----------------------

Well, here we go. Ten days.