Late Night Thoughts on Trials, Pain, Christmas, and Hope.

I don't exactly know where to start, so I'm just going to write, because I know I need to say it. I don't often talk about my faith or beliefs, mostly because I just wasn't really raised in my family to talk about them with others, so its not something I'm naturally inclined to do. But tonight there are some things I'd just really like to say----

Tonight I'm so grateful for that hand to hold as we go through the trials we face.

For the past few weeks I have been overwhelmed with the trials we are facing, our family and friends are facing, and people around the world are facing, and today it has all come to an emotional, almost paralyzing head. 

Prototype has been more challenging for Joey than we expected. I am facing physical trials during this pregnancy for which there's not really a cure that is safe while I carry this baby. We are reminded of the loss of our first babe as his December due date gets closer and closer. Today we are mourning the loss of a close friend to suicide. Our friends are struggling with trials of their own, from cancer to miscarriage and everything in between. And every day there are stories around the internet of suffering and tragedy, the pain of which is only magnified by the holiday season and the desire for peace, love, happiness, and family. There are problems in the world that there just aren't solutions for. And I find it all utterly heartbreaking. 

When I was struggling heavily with depression and anxiety, I would read about these kinds of problems and I would feel immense, personal sorrow and guilt. Sorrow that such terrible things could happen in the world, and guilt that I couldn't fix them. I distinctly remember a time during my freshman year of college when I sat at my desk, sobbing, because I had read an article about animals that were becoming extinct, and I felt like it was my fault because their was nothing I could do about it. 

And today, I have felt similar sorrow and an urge so great to fix those pains for people that my legs and arms physically ache, wishing there was something I could do to make everything better or to at the very least ease in any way the suffering, pain, and sadness.

Yes, in my story from college I needed to learn that I needed professional help to combat and eventually overcome my depression and anxiety and the feelings that came with it. But more importantly, and most significantly to how I'm experiencing things today, I needed to learn that I can't be the savior for everyone. I can't take away people's pain. I can't make people make certain choices that would bring them more relief and happiness. I can't fix the world. 

And today, as I think about all of the trials facing our family, those we care about, and man kind in general, I have to force myself to remember that lesson--and further, that there is a savior that can heal these pains. 

I know i don't always handle trials gracefully. I've had my fair share of moments during which I've been angry, hurt, and confused. I, like every other human being at some point during their existence have asked 'why me?'. But for some reason, the last few weeks it has really clicked, and I cling to the knowledge that eventually, everything will be made right. I cling to the knowledge that Christ really is a Savior for the world and that He will come again, and when He does, every injustice, every pain, every tragedy, every loss, every sorrow we've ever experienced will be remedied, and we will find such great relief and peace. I cling to the knowledge that in the meantime, the Atonement can also bring us peace and help us get through trials and give us perspective until that time when everything is made perfect and whole again. I cling to what Joseph B. Wirthlin calls the principle of compensation--- that "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which has been taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude". 

I've always felt that Christmas is multifaceted. There is a Christ part, and there is a Santa/presents/silly traditions part, and both are valuable. I think its ok that Christmas has both religious and secular components. I don't think the holiday should be solely one or the other (not that there's anything wrong with that if that's how you choose to celebrate Christmas), but this year I've never been so glad to focus more on the Christ part of Christmas. I find myself so overwhelmed with simultaneous sadness for the pains of the world and joy in my faith in Jesus Christ and the Plan of Salvation, and it just brings me back to how desperately I need Christ in my life and in our family, because we simply can't get through it all on our own. I cannot wait until that day when every trial is righted and our tears of sorrow are replaced with tears of joy. Sometimes I think that truth is the only way I can get through all of that hurt every single one of us goes through. I can get through things (though it may take some time) because of a hope for perfect and complete relief.

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Thank you for letting me share this with you. My heart is full of many emotions tonight and I can barely contain it. My thoughts are with friends, family, and strangers alike who are struggling in their own ways, and I hope so desperately that you can find the relief and peace that we all greatly desire. 

My Two Cents

So, I know that this is a sensitive topic, and might not fit in with what we normally blog about, but I feel its very important to address it and deal with it in an open minded, loving way, while still acknowledging the principles and beliefs that we hold dear.

Not sure how many have heard about this, but on Wednesday, BYU held a meeting at which BYU students were invited to listen to and ask questions of 4 gay and lesbian BYU students. The meeting was not recorded, but here is an article about the event. From my understanding, the event was focused on increasing understanding of and kindness towards those who experience same gender attraction on one of the campuses ranked highest for intolerance of LGBT persons. You are free to read the article and interpret it how you choose. Personally, I think this was a great initiative, and in fact, made me like BYU a lot more (as I have not thought its all some people chalk it up to be). I was pleased to see that even my idea of the cold, judgmental, close minded Mormon doesn't apply to everyone out there.

This morning, I found a youtube video sponsored by Understanding Same-Gender Attraction (USGA), "an unofficial group of Brigham Young University students, faculty, and friends who wish to strengthen families and the BYU community by providing a place for open, respectful discussions on the topic of same-gender attraction". Take a look at this video in which several gay and lesbian BYU students, as well as straight allies are interviewed about their experiences and faith.

I also enjoyed this video and the openness with which the students discussed their struggles, feelings, and hope. My heart breaks for those who, like some of these individuals, have feared the hatred of others so much that they have contemplated suicide. That alone is something that needs to be addressed.Going back to the article about the BYU event, the author mentioned a group called the Standard of Liberty. According to their website, "Standard of Liberty is a Christ-based foundation which exists to raise awareness of cultural and institutional licentiousness overrunning America and to provide motivation to restore God's essential sexual boundaries thereby protecting the young, preserving true marriage and family, ensuring religious freedom, and preserving civilized society". They even note that they see all people as children of God and love all people. 

However, after reading their article about the BYU event on their homepage, I'm not so sure they know what that means. Again, this is all my opinion, but I found their website and specifically the article, to be extremely biased and unfair to views that oppose theirs. They used cheap logic in an attempt to cut down in particular Charlie Morgan, the BYU professor who helped hold the meeting. Their remarks about those who are gay and still uphold the Honor Code at BYU were hurtful and judgmental, and not at all what I would consider as valuing "all people as precious children of God". They also argue that we should basically be supporting therapeutic attempts to get rid of one's homosexual feelings and those who are helping people cope with their feelings are only promoting immorality and social degradation. However they have not done their research, or they would know that attempts to "switch" one's sexuality in such a way (aka: conversion therapy) are ineffective and even hurtful to the individual, and only contributes to the suicidal thoughts that affect many Christians with homosexual feelings. Again, I will let you read it for yourself and draw your own conclusions. 

So after spending quite a bit of time researching all of this (which consequently, meant not doing my homework once again), there are just a couple things I want to say. In general, I am not a very extremist person, and I "pride myself" in my ability to think open-mindedly and consider various opinions (something I learned from my mom). I also work to make sure that things I believe are in harmony with the principles and commandments of my faith that I hold dear--and if there is some discrepancy, I try to reconcile those things and seek to know what is right. That being said, I've thought about some things that are important to remember in all of this:

1. God loves his children--all of them. He does not use homosexuality as a punishment for that person, their parents, etc.
2. God's church is ordered. Nothing will change--specifically doctrine on homosexuality and marriage--without divine revelation to those appointed to oversee the church and its members. 
3. God still speaks to His prophets. If, for reasons we can't comprehend, God in His wisdom decides to change something, He will do so through his prophets. That being said, their are fundamental, unchangeable truths that church standards are based, and those will not change. People don't need to worry that because of "these gays", the church will institute gay temple marriage. 
4. When we go to sunday school or listen to church leaders, we must remember that we must teach correct principles, but be compassionate towards everyone. We don't know where people have been or where they are going, but can only see people for who they are now. But in order to continue to have the fullness of the Lord's church on earth, correct principles must be taught.
5. Groups like the Standard of Liberty are not the voice for the church, and people would be wise to remember that. Likewise, all members are entitled to their own opinion, but it does not reflect the ultimate views of the Church (and please remember this applies to this blog too!). To know exactly what the church believes, one should go straight to the source.
6. Those who express their views in the forum and the the video are not going against church doctrine. Further, I don't believe they are calling for a change to church doctrine. They simply want to be understood and to help others who are like them to lead happy lives as strong, faithful members of the Church.
7. As explained by Dallin H. Oaks (link at the end), a way in which we can understand the struggle of homosexual thoughts is that it is a trial that a person has. Just like my trial is anxiety and depression, and another person's might be alcohol, some people must fight homosexual thoughts and feelings. We cannot know yet why people have some trials that they have, and we certainly cannot assign punishment or assume they are a bad person. We are not like God and do not know all.
8. Since we don't know everything, our only choice is to love those around us. We can indeed support and love those with homosexual thoughts without condoning homosexual behavior. In fact, the distinction must be clear that thoughts and behavior are not the same. God's standard is the same for everyone, straight or not. Acting on sexual feelings outside of marriage is inappropriate for anyone. But if a person has homosexual feelings toward someone, but doesn't act on them, they have not sinned. In the Handbook of Instruction for Church Leaders (link at the end), it is clear in the differentiation between thoughts and behavior. 
9. Being supportive of someone with homosexual feelings doesn't mean that they will try to "turn you gay" or push their lifestyle on you. It does not mean you are a bad church member or have sinned yourself. On the contrary, our judgment of others, rather than our love and support, will condemn us (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, April 2012)
10. One who identifies as homosexual is in no way less of a human being, less of a church member, or less of a child of God. If they follow the commandments (that again, are asked of straight people too), then they can serve in the Church and also receive temple ordinances. 

If you are still reading, kudos to you! I know this was a lot. But this is a topic I feel strongly about. I am a straight woman with a testimony of the church--which includes knowing that God loves his children! The hatred and judgment I have seen from some other church members towards homosexuals is heart breaking to me. I struggled with this in high school because I went to school with some homosexuals who were more Christlike in their behavior (as kind, loyal, charitable, nonjudgmental people) than kids I went to seminary with. In my mind, that happens when there is not a clear understanding of the church's stance and other aspects of the church's doctrine, like God's love, the order of the kingdom, and the process of revelation. I can see some people being horribly offended by my calling a homosexual Christlike in their behavior. But I truly believe that this is possible (remember points 8 and 10?). 

I hope that for even one person, this has helped clarify some things, or perhaps soften their hearts to their brothers and sisters. This is a difficult topic, but I do believe it is possible to make some sense of it all, if we focus on loving others as God does, and holding to the doctrine and counsel with which we have been blessed.

Links

I referred to "the Church" -- what is that?

The Handbook of Instruction (instruction on Homosexuality and same-sex marriage can be found on pages 195-196)

What is the Church's position on homosexuality? Is it OK to be friends with people who have homosexual feelings? (Liahona, 2012)

God Loveth His Children (A booklet released in 2007 for helping members who face same sex attraction)

Helping Those Who Struggle with Same Gender Attraction (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, 2007)

Articles on Homosexuality (from LDS Family Services, with links to other talks)

Same Gender Attraction (A Q&A with Elder Dallin H. Oaks and Elder Lance B Wickman)

General Conference

The 181st Semiannual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is what I'll be watching this weekend! I am so ready for the uplifting weekend that is General Conference.

Some links to share the love:

Learn who we are

The official LDS website

Watch General Conference on your computer

Read previous conference talks

General Conference has something for everyone, by Jeffrey R. Holland

Enjoy!

181st Semi-Annual General Conference

Watch & Enjoy.

For Japan With Love

Having What You Need

I saw this image on someone else's blog this morning, and it really struck a chord with me today.

There are so many things I want. I want the money I need to go to Italy in May. I want to be done with school. I want spring to be here. I want it to be May 2012 already. I want to be 20 lbs lighter. I want a pair of grey pumps. I want a spa day. I want my dad to be able to get a job. I want my boyfriend to be able to visit me on the weekdays. I want to go back to NYC. I want everything to work out....

And yet, despite the infinite list of wants, I am truly and honestly, perfectly happy--Because I have everything I need.

I have the gospel in my life. I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I have a family that loves me. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I have the most amazing guy for a boyfriend and he loves me. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I have scholarships which allow me to go to a great school. I have a job I love. I have a passion for life and learning new things. I have warm clothes during this cold winter. I have a life with very few crises. I have beautiful memories of some of the great things I have done in my life.

This photo was a great reminder to me to remember that I have everything I need, and that I should be grateful for those things. I don't know if there is anyone out there that even reads the things I post, but if there is, my one recommendation at the start of this weekend, is to take five minutes today to think about all of the wonderful things that are in your life. I have found that focusing on the haves instead of the have-nots can definitely lead to a more fulfilling and happy life.

My General Conference Weekend

General Conference was this weekend, and boy was I excited. Its even better going to an LDS school because professors give us a break from homework, and everybody gets together and has potlucks and other fun activities in between sessions. General Conference weekend is the greatest!

....until this year.

saturday afternoon my housemates and I had a mexican dinner with lots of friends. it was so yummy and i was feeling so satisfied and ready to watch the second saturday session.

and then it began.

i was walking out the door and noticed my stomach was starting to hurt. by the time i got to the chapel i felt so sick! i went to the bathroom thinking i was going to throw up, but after 20 minutes of waiting over the toilet, i only felt even sicker. i went back to the chapel and tried to listen, but i only got halfway through one talk when i decided i needed to go home. mallory walked me home and luckily we have byu tv in our apartment so i could watch the rest, but i was too busy throwing up that i didn't really get to watch any of it.

the rest of the night i stayed curled up in a ball on the couch, just begging for the pain to go away and to stop getting sick! Man was it terrible. i hate throwing up! i seriously cry every time. and i threw up like 15 times! needless to say, many tears were shed.

thank goodness i was able to fall asleep and didn't get sick the rest of the night. i woke up sunday morning feeling tired and empty, but the pain had gone away, so i was so grateful! after taking it slow and munching on some crackers and sipping apple juice, i was able to eat an actual meal at dinner, and i think whatever was in my system is finally out. thank goodness!

BUT, my whole point in telling this story, is to share this:

The Best 'Feel Better' Gift Ever.

my best friend Mallory made me a video to make me feel better, and it is quite possibly one of my favorite things ever. Your are the best, Mal!!

Labor Day in Washington DC

A couple weeks ago a few friends and I decided to go to DC for the day, in particular the zoo! these are just a couple fun photos from our little day trip.

this escalator in the metro is so long, it took 2:22 to get from top to bottom!

I loved the aquarium exhibits at the zoo!

this lion was pretty hungry, and definitely let everyone know it! he paced back and forth for a few minutes before sitting down in front of the door and roaring--it was the coolest!

one of my favorite spots--the WWII memorial. Last time i was there it was 10:30 at night, freezing, and pouring rain. obviously this time was much more enjoyable.

man oh man, life is just wonderful! even though there might be little bumps along the road, i have such a great life and Heavenly Father has blessed me beyond belief!

Would you believe saturday?

well, obviously i didn't get around to blogging on wednesday. i can't believe i even think about these things. but anyways...

life has been pretty great lately! lots of things to do, and a few bumps along the way, but really life is wonderful. Heavenly Fathers has blessed me so much!

one of these blessings is my new job! i am the graphic designer for the travel study program at SVU. i didn't even see it coming! i was just walking by the office and the director asked me if i wanted the job! its been great. lots of work, but lots of fun, and i can't wait to go on a couple trips!

however, one of the hard parts about being at school is not having my two dogs with me to snuggle and wag their little tails when i walk in the door after a long day. i am convinced that dogs are the perfect companion. they will do anything for you, always love you, and have the best personalities. nothing cheers me up after a rough day like my adorable babies.

Maddie Girl (this is how we find her sleeping most of the time)

Willie Man (he is one smart, energy filled dog!)

ahh, just a couple more months and i can snuggle with my babies once more!

Major Blessings

well, first let me say that Heavenly Father is absolutely amazing and is always blessing me even if i don't deserve it.

the past couple weeks have been pretty difficult. my dad and his sister pretty much ripped me apart when i told them about joining the peace corps. they were so not happy with me...with my dad its nothing new really; unless i join the air force he honestly isn't proud of or happy with anything i do. they also began to bash on temples and temple marriages, so i know that that is another battle down the road.

i love my dad, but i really hate that he knows nothing about me and we have nothing in common. truly we are night and day. it makes me sad. i wish i could talk to him about things, and tell him about things im excited about, or have him give me a blessing, or talk about the gospel, but he doesnt take me seriously and mocks almost everything i do. its a shame really.

without going into the nasty details, im having a hard time at home. often i feel like i don't fit in, that im just different. i feel alone alot.

the past few days ive been praying so hard for God to soften my heart towards my family, but to also help ease the pain and sadness i feel. ive been praying for friends that i can turn to when i need a break (for the past three years i have spent summer virtually alone; i dont have any old friends from high school and only acquaintances from church).

God answered my prayers, and people from my stake that i knew in high school began talking to me and inviting me to things. i was so grateful, but at the same time, it was a little tough...i mean i hadn't seen them in years so i didn't have much to talk to them about, i don't go to BYU like the rest of them, which comes up more than you would think..., and i just noticed that i wasn't meshing with them as well as i do with people at SVU. i wanted to participate and have friends so badly, but it was a bigger adjustment than i thought.

i continued to pray for help, and God didn't give up on me and continued to bless me. several times this week when i really needed a friend or someone to ask me to sit with them at church when i was alone, someone was there. it happened at church today and i just sat there repeating in my head, "thank you, thank you, thank you".

I don't know if any of this made sense, but after this week i have seen that Heavenly Father is so loving and is blessing my life constantly. i also learned however, that if we ask for something and He gives it to us, we cannot refuse that gift when its presented. If i pray for just one friend, and someone comes along and invites me to something, i can't say no. like i said, its an adjustment, but if i have faith to consider asking for help, i've got to have faith that what God has suggested or given to me will work.

long time, no see

well! its been a while. i was in utah for a little over a month and decided to just focus on doing family things instead...but now im back in humid ohio, and rather than going outside and sweating to death, i have decided to catch up on blogs, books, and sewing projects!

first, i found this photograph that i just love!



so cool. i just love elephants!

second, i've just gotta say that Heavenly Father had really blessed me the past few days.
last week, i was driving home to AF from visiting my old roommate in bountiful, and got horribly lost. well apparently, whilst getting lost, i ended up going 45 in a 30. so i got pulled over, and at first i was in complete shock, i couldn't believe it happened! and i was so upset because it was a complete accident, i got lost, going down a steep hill, on a five lane road (what kind of five lane road has a 30mph speed limit?!), and there was no speed sign on the section of road i was on. gah, just a horrible combination! thankfully, the officer didn't give me a ticket, which would have been around $300--$300 i didn't have.
next, i knew i had rent to pay for my apartment this fall, but didn't put two and two together until now to realize that i wouldn't get my scholarship refund money until september, when my rent is way past due! i was freaking out, because if i didn't have that apartment i would have nowhere to live.again, by a huge blessing, the land lady said i can pay once i get my refund, and not to worry about it! so thats another $500 or so that i dont have to worry about! boy, i am so grateful!