Hi, I'm Curran // The Birth Story

 Curran Joseph Fleshman

17 May 2014 | 5:29am

6 lbs 1 oz | 19 inches

Bremerton, WA

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In the weeks prior to Curran's birth, I had this grand idea that I would get this post done and officially  introduce Curran while in the hospital after he was born. Everyone swore I'd have so much down time to fill so I might as well get it done then, right? Oh, what a silly girl I was. One month later and I'm finally here to write down his birth story.

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I was already scheduled for an induction on Friday May 23rd at 39 weeks because of my preeclampsia, but things ended up moving a bit more quickly when I went in for one of my twice weekly monitoring appointments on Thursday, May 15th and my blood pressure was higher than it had been in a couple weeks. I had a little headache at the appointment as well, but since there was no immediate cause for concern, they sent me home with the usual instructions for coming in to Labor & Delivery for headaches that don't go away, drastic swelling, etc.

That afternoon my headache quickly got worse. I tried the max dose of tylenol--no relief. An hour later I tried lortab, and still nothing. I called L&D for their recommendation and we decided I would stay home for the night, go to bed early, and see if perhaps some sleep would help the headache go away. 

Off to bed I went, but every time I woke up in the middle of the night my head was still pounding. Around 6am on Friday I called L&D again to follow up, and given my high blood pressure the day before and my persistent headache, I was told to eat a big breakfast and then come in, and it was likely we wouldn't be leaving for a while. Joey and I had a feeling I had made it as long as I could with the preeclampsia and that this was it, so we went ahead and gathered the last couple items for our hospital bags, made sure the pets were fed, and headed to the hospital. 

Once at L&D we started the usual routine for my headaches with blood draws, IV fluids, lots of questions, and contraction and fetal monitoring. My blood pressure was also taken every few minutes, and despite trying to relax, was hovering around 150/108. Not good. I was then given phenergan and IV tylenol to try to get my headache to go away, but even after a couple doses of both my headache hadn't changed. We talked with the doctor and weighed the situation and we all decided it would be best to go ahead and admit me and start an induction. We were definitely having this baby! Right before I left triage to be admitted the baby's heart rate suddenly dropped so all of a sudden I had nurses hovering over me and I was put on oxygen for a few minutes until his heart rate bounced back.

Around 11am I got settled in to my birthing suite and started a dose of cytotec to ripen my cervix since I was only 1 centimeter dilated and 50% effaced at the time. Joey and I ate lunch and then he went back to the house to get Remy and take her to the family that was going to watch her while we were at the hospital (thanks, Monroe family!). He got back around 4pm and thats when things started to pick up a bit. Because I still had a headache despite trying several medications to fix it, plus the blood pressure, his small size, and a handful of other symptoms, I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia, which meant that I'd have to be on magnesium sulfate for the rest of labor plus 24 hours after giving birth. Magnesium sulfate works by inhibiting the central nervous system in an attempt to prevent potentially fatal seizures while giving birth. And because it inhibits the CNS, from that point on I wasn't allowed to get out of bed and I wasn't allowed to drink much of anything either. So not only was I bed ridden and couldn't drink anything, the dose of magnesium sulfate was so large that it made me feel panicky and like I had the flu. It really was miserable.

At the same time I started the magnesium sulfate I was also given pitocin to induce labor as well as antibiotics because I was Groub B positive--I'm telling' ya, between the magnesium, antibiotics, pitocin, IV fluids, and tylenol, there were tubes everywhere. I even had two hep-locks for it all.

I don't remember too much about the rest of the afternoon and evening; I'm not even sure what time the contractions really started--I think for quite a while I was more focused on how much my tailbone hurt and the fact that I couldn't get out of bed and stretch. But I do know that around 8:30pm the contractions were really rollin'.

Now up to this point, I had planned to give birth without an epidural. I had prepared ahead of time to do so and had several coping strategies ready to use. Joey had prepared to help me achieve this goal and we even had a secret word so he would know if I truly couldn't do it, without anyone pressuring me for pain relief. And once I learned I was going to have an induction I still thought I could get through it with my coping methods. However I wasn't anticipating the magnesium sulfate. Just about every method I had planned to use was conditional upon being able to move around and get out of bed, which I no longer was allowed to do. I tried to hold out but the back labor was so intense and I felt so stuck, not being able to get out of bed, and I just couldn't cope. Around 9:30pm I ended up getting an epidural. It wasn't my ideal, but I think overall it ended up being the best option for me (and the best option is different for every woman). Before the pain had even faded, my blood pressure rapidly fell through the floor and baby's heart rate dropped again. I think more than that happened too but I felt so weak and out of it I wasn't really sure what was going on. Suddenly I had about four doctors and just as many nurses in my room watching me, on guard if things didn't turn around. An oxygen mask was put around my head for the rest of my labor and after a little while we both perked back up and I was able to relax and get some sleep in between the nurse rotating me every half hour.

We think my water broke some time in the middle of the night and by 4am Saturday I was fully dilated and ready to go. Around 4:40 I started pushing and things were going really well. I could still feel pressure and could feel when I had a contraction and was overall feeling pretty good about the experience. Then all of a sudden the doctor said in a somewhat hurried, stressed voice "we've gotta get him out now". More doctors and nurses rushed in once again and they explained to me that his heart rate fell again and wasn't coming back up and I would need an episiotomy so we could get him out (and I'm confident I could've done it without the episiotomy if I had the time and he wasn't struggling so much). So after about 50 minutes of pushing, Curran arrived. His cord was wrapped around his neck and body and he was purple and silent. They showed him to me for a second before quickly cutting the cord and rushing him away to the other side of the room to make sure he was ok. I remember feeling worried and scared for a split second but just as quickly I felt a sense of peace and calm and knew he was going to be just fine. Joey was able to go over and see him while I was stitched up. Luckily it didn't take long for Curran to make a speedy turn around and before I knew it he was on my chest, staring up at me.

When I created my birth preferences I wrote that I understood that things don't always go as planned and my requests were made under the assumption that there would be a lack of high risk or emergency situations. This was the attitude I had during my pregnancy and I'm glad I did because it made it a lot easier to go with the flow when things didn't go the way I would've hoped. From intermittent monitoring to no routine IV fluids, delayed cord clamping to immediate skin to skin contact---virtually nothing from my birth preferences made it in to my birth experience. But it actually was ok. I felt I was treated with respect and I had a couple great nurses that had my back the whole time and made sure I didn't have to go through any more interventions or procedures than was necessary. Overall we were very happy with our experience.

In the weeks prior to May 17th, Joey and I were having a hard time making any concrete plans to celebrate our two year anniversary, and it looks like it turned out for the best. Sure, Curran totally crashed our anniversary by coming two weeks early, but we couldn't be happier. I mean, what better way to celebrate the love we have for each other and the eternal family we created two years ago than by welcoming a handsome little boy that we made together into that family? 

We're so, so glad that our beautiful baby is finally here!

264 Days Down: Baby Update

And only NINE more days to go!

Yup, that's right, just nine.

Here's what's up lately---

The biggest news is that two weeks after we moved here I was diagnosed with mild preeclampsia, so the past couple weeks have been very busy with monitoring twice a week and an additional couple trips a week to L&D for headaches that won't go away. Yeah, we're now on a first name basis with some of the doctors and nurses on the labor deck, so that's cool. So because of the preeclampsia I now have an induction set for Friday the 23rd at 39 weeks---just nine more days! Bananas. However at my NST yesterday the nurse said it looks like I'm in early labor already so hopefully things will keep progressing on their own and he'll come before we even get to all that induction business. We're just glad that this all waited to happen until after we got through our road trip and were mostly settled in our new house!

The little guy is still measuring a couple weeks behind and (even though their estimates can be pounds off so I take it with a grain of salt) is clocking in at around 5.3 lbs. So take that, all you random strangers that insist I must be carrying twins or you can't believe how big I am! But though he may be little, he's still rollin' and a movin' like he owns the place. He always has a stellar heart beat and movement at our NST appointments and is regularly bumping things out of my hands if I lean them on my belly. Often he'll stick his little bum out and turn my belly into an almost cone shape---we joke that he's in there doing downward facing dog and stretching that tush up as far as he can. 

We had an ultrasound last Friday (and once again he didn't let us get any good photos of his face, the little stinker) and they said that (as best as I understand) his kidneys are "borderline normal" and they're concerned about potential renal pelvic dilation. We were told there's no reason to worry yet and that he's probably just going to have some more in-depth exams and ultrasounds with the pediatrician when he's born. Sometimes the condition corrects itself before the baby is born, so lets just hope everything is fine and he'll be healthy when he arrives!

Being pregnant has been a really great experience, but I have to admit, there are some things I'm looking forward to about not being pregnant anymore, like being able to cross my legs again and not having to mentally prep myself every time I have to bend over. This severe ligament pain has been terrible (the past week I haven't even been able to get out of bed without Joey moving my legs and helping to hold me up) and after five months of it I'm pretty much ready to be done with it. And ditching all of this swelling from the preeclampsia will be so great! But I'm gonna get all cliche here and say, that even though there have been tough things about it, I'm really grateful for this experience and I wouldn't give it back for anything.

And this guy.

I just wanted to give a shout out to this awesome man. He's been nothing short of amazing these past few weeks making sure I'm as comfortable as possible and helping me with things I haven't been able to do as easily because of migraines or the ligament pain or just plain exhaustion. He's so excited to be my labor coach and practices his skills whenever I'm trying to get through the ligament pain or am having a bit of anxiety about various stressors in our lives. Any time I have a contraction now he smiles the biggest smile and, while trying to stifle his ear-to-ear grin, asks "what's wrong, are you ok??", hoping that I'll say its go time because the guy is just so darn excited for his son to get here. And almost every night lately he rubs my belly and encouragingly tells baby boy "Ya know, you can come tonight if you want to! We're ready to meet you!" Joey just can't wait to be a daddy, and its the sweetest. 

And lucky for us, Joey is going to be home for the birth and will be able to take the full amount of paternity leave. We just learned something pretty neat actually---so Joey was originally supposed to be on a different boat and about a week before he finished prototype we got a voicemail saying the Navy switched his assignment and we'd be going to a different boat. Well we just found out not too long ago that the original boat we were supposed to be on just left on deployment and if we had still been on it, Joey would've completely missed the birth. So the boat change has turned out to be a huge blessing and we definitely feel Heavenly Father was watching out for us and put us exactly where we needed to be and with the crew Joey needed to have. 

Well, the cloth diapers are prepped, the bags are packed, the car seat is in the car, and we're ready to go---or as ready as we'll ever be, at least!

215 Days Down: Baby Update

Not that I've been super great about updating or taking photos, but I at least wanted to get one more in before we make our move to Washington!

Excuse my squinty, beyond sensitive eyes...

We're getting so close! Only 9 more weeks until little man arrives, though if you ask Joey he'll say we're expecting an early bird. 

Here's how things are going these days---

I'm really glad I worked so hard to get as many projects done as possible the last couple months not only because of our sudden cross country move, but also because the third trimester has hit me hard. All of a sudden I'm constantly exhausted from almost the moment I wake up. Nausea has returned again as well, but at least its sporadic. I also start to feel dizzy and out of breath if I sit in a chair for too long which means I can't sit at a sewing machine and work all day like I used to. My ligament pain is still pretty severe which is very frustrating because there are so many times that I can't do even the most basic things. I got a support band which offers intermittent relief so that's been nice, but I certainly won't miss that part of pregnancy. But even with the aches and pains (and how much harder they've made preparing to move), I still love this experience. Its a funny thing really; there's always something hurting but I can't wait to do it again!

Its been really fun to get a glimpse of his personality these past few weeks. We joke he's a bit of a prankster with a little dramatic streak in him. We had the contractions at 23-24 weeks which started and stopped without any explanation, and then the past two Sundays he would go long stretches without moving--we're talking hours here, which is really unusual for him. I'd drink ice water and coca cola, lay on my side, move him around a little, and I'd get nothin' from him. So off to L&D we would go to get hooked up to all the monitors, and sure enough, he'd be fine, just hanging out in there! I guess he just wanted to mess with mom and dad. We like to joke that he's very obedient and has simply been resting on the Sabbath. 

Well, I made it 28 weeks without comments on the size of my belly. *Sigh*, I'd say we had a good run. The first comment was "Are you sure its not twins?! You must be having twins." after explaining I still had 12 more weeks left at the time. And I'm always at a loss for words when someone asks a pregnant woman this--I mean, what do they expect you to say? "Yes, you're probably right, given your vast medical experience and your apparent supernatural power to know the contents of my uterus. I must be having multiples and I guess those doctors and ultrasounds just missed it. Thank you so much for letting me know--I've gotta go buy a second car seat!". Since then we've gotten a couple more "he's going to be such a big baby!" comments as well. Ironically, we're actually measuring a couple weeks behind---oh and remember how I'm barely over five feet tall? Prepubescent children have longer torsos than me. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating. But where else do they expect the baby to go?---but big-baby-comments or not, he's looking healthy so we're happy!

But hey, redeeming moment: Joey and I were leaving the Naval Clinic a couple days ago and after I got in the car and Joey shut my door, a young mom who was loading her kids into the car next to us told Joey that he had a gorgeous wife and that I looked great. What a nice thing to say to a self conscious pregnant woman! So I was feeling pretty good after that, because the truth is women dress for the approval of other women, not men, but anyways…. Oh! and I passed my glucose test with flying colors so that was awesome news because I kinda had an irrational fear of failing it. Again, its the little victories. 

Well everyone, we've got the OK from my doctor to move across the country at this point in the pregnancy, but we certainly wouldn't mind some positive thoughts sent our way! I know its going to be pretty uncomfortable for me, and we'd also rather this little babe wait a few more weeks to make his debut. So any thoughts and well wishes are very much appreciated as we start this adventure!

185 Days Down: Baby Update

And only 94 days (give or take a few) to go! 

Boy, time is flying by.

We're a couple days shy of 27 weeks and things are going great.

I've been off bed rest for a couple weeks now which is so nice and my migraines have significantly decreased as well---and all I've got to say about that is: hallelujah!

The little eggplant is still groovin' a lot which has been super fun and Joey really enjoys feeling his kicks and rolls. I'm still hoping that one of these days he'll be able to give Remy a good nudge when she's snuggling with me!

We're steadily getting things ready for his debut---the most recent exciting purchase being his swanky new car seat! Oooh it looks so good. Joey is so pumped to get it hooked up in the car, he keeps trying to convince me that 13 weeks isn't too early to have it ready to go. Ain't he adorable? I just love how excited he is for his little man. 

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Well I hope everyone's week is off to a great start! Our "weekend" starts tomorrow morning but poor mr. Joey is kicking it off by getting his wisdom teeth removed---talk about a serious bummer. But I'm at least hoping for some quote worthy, drug-induced moments from that handsome man of mine. So, fingers crossed! 

Joey will be well taken care of over the next few days but in the meantime make sure you enjoy straws and crunchy foods for him!

154 Days Down: Baby Update.

Hello 22 weeks! It feels great to have surpassed the half way point--its actually going quite fast! Here's how things are going these days---

In case you missed it, we're having a BOY! It was a little surreal at first because we truly felt it was a girl. And to confess, all my life I just pictured myself having a big bunch of girls that I could sew heaps of dresses and bows for. But after some serious googling and getting those creative juices flowing, I've got a substantial list of fun projects for our handsome little man.

And speaking of those projects---I've had a sudden burst of motivation and energy so I've been riding that high and getting as much done as I can before it goes away. In the past week I've sewn two quilts, a handful of leggings, two ring slings, and a couple dozen bandana bibs, and Joey and I thrifted and refinished a dresser for the little bean. Its all working out quite well really--we'll be moving when I'm in the third trimester, which means my last couple months will be focused on resettling and acclimating to a new city, and who knows if Joey will be deploying soon after we move….so basically the next couple months are all I have to really get things done. Good thing I'm feeling so motivated!

The migraines are still going strong but have decreased to about 2-3 a week, so that's good at least!

I lucked out with morning sickness and never really had any vomiting in the first trimester (just really bad nausea), however now the problem is, if I don't eat soon enough when my stomach starts to growl, I end up getting sick! Its frustrating at times when I don't have an appetite (which is more often than not), but it sure is a firm reminder that I need to keep up with snacks and meals. I still have major food aversions, but the past couple weeks I've been craving the chocolate-iest chocolate I can get my hands on.

But despite the constant aches and pains (if its not one thing, its something else!) I'm loving this experience.  We count our blessings and are grateful that so far we haven't had any serious complications or concerns. Everything is going just the way it should and we're very grateful.

Baby has been a groovin' and kickin' a lot more these days. The first time I felt him last month it was just like a little tickle or brush by, but these are full on movements! The first time it happened I freaked out for a second and thought 'Ahh! There's an alien in there!' and then I remembered, oh yeah, they're supposed to do that. Ha and now feeling those little kicks and flips is so addicting, I love it. 

Well, this is the middle of our work week, but I hope everyone else has a great weekend!

The Little Bean is A…...

The results are in!

This morning we had our anatomy scan and found out that we are having a………………..

BOY

[!!!!!!!!!!]

We are completely in shock! As many of you know, we were absolutely confident that we were having a girl, for many reasons. No matter how hard we tried to be open to the reality that it really could go either way, we felt like the baby just was a girl and all we could see in our minds was a girl. 

Last night as we got ready for bed and talked about how nervous we were to see if our inklings were correct, I told Joey "Ya know what? Its gonna be a boy. I just know it. Because nothing in life has ever gone the way I think it will, so of course its going to be the opposite of what we think!"

So when we had our ultrasound and saw his….manhood (which he proudly displayed for us), all we could do was laugh--shoot, we're still laughing every time we remember, "son of a gun, we're having a boy!". Surprised as we were, we are so, so excited and happy. Its crazy to actually know what our baby is---its not just little baby, its little baby boy. And more importantly, baby is doing great, developing just the way he should all the way down to his ten itty bitty toes.

See you in 20 weeks, little man!

Remembering Our Angel Baby.

Today is a special, tender day for us. 

Today is the day we were supposed to have our first baby. 

I knew I couldn't forget it, but I never would've guessed just how…ok, everything would feel.

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Since our miscarriage in May, Joey and I tried to think of a nice way to honor and remember the baby that we lost. We were never given an ultrasound picture; all we have of our babe is the pregnancy test that now sits at the bottom of a little drawer in our bedroom. We wanted a simple reminder that he is still part of our family, especially now that we are pregnant again with our rainbow baby.

I thought about making some sort of print to frame or something, but I knew I wanted a memento that would really be part of our family, not just something that would hang on the wall, separate and alone from us. So when we went to Myrtle Beach at the beginning of December, we headed to Build-A-Bear to make a special bear to celebrate our baby.

Before placing the tiny, red, satin heart in our little bear we wrote his name on it. He may not have been with us for very long, but that was still our baby, and 'officially' giving him his name brought us a lot of peace. 

I suppose I underestimated my ability (or inability, rather) to remain cool and composed, because while we waited for our turn to stuff our bear, the tears just started flowing. I looked at Joey and was comforted knowing he was crying too. The woman who helped us make our bear noticed we were quite emotional and after hearing our story, was very sweet, kind, and sympathetic to our tender hearts.

Our little bear is now sitting quietly with the rest of the baby things we have slowly started to collect for our future arrival. I don't know if/when/how we would tell our baby about their angel sibling, but for now, our little one will cuddle this bear and will always have their big brother with them. 

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Early this morning I sat at our dining table while Joey finished his breakfast before leaving for work, and I thought about how in the previous months, I assumed today would be a painful, sad day. I assumed it would be a day that I would want to avoid completely. But as I sat there I realized that, more than anything, I feel peace. I feel peace knowing that because Joey and I were sealed, our baby is sealed to us too. He is and will always be part of our family. I feel peace knowing that no matter what anyone else thinks or what they think is or isn't a child, to us he will always be our child, and that he's safe, he's not alone, and he's ok. 

That everything is ok. 

Our second baby is due exactly five months from now. And while it doesn't make us forget the pain that we have felt and the loss we have gone through (and even though being pregnant after miscarrying is a nerve-racking, sometimes scary experience), this rainbow baby brings us so much happiness and even more peace. 

When this baby is born, we will be a family of four, and I love that. 

121 Days Down: Baby Update.

Confession: We haven't taken a single, deliberate 'baby bump' photo this entire time. I just didn't want everything to be documented with subpar iPhone photos of my reflection in a fluorescent lit, dusty bathroom mirror (as if most of us don't already feel un-photogenic as it is, am I right?), so for the past four months I've told myself 'oh, this Sunday I'll have Joey take one' or, 'I'll just snag Joey for a photo when he gets off his 12 hour shift at 8:30 in the morning'. Oh, me and my silly dreams. And then, all of a sudden, I was at 17 weeks and didn't have a single progress shot. 

But Friday morning I realized, 'Hey dummy, you have a tripod in the closet, ya know'. So, feeling like a complete and total goober, I stood out on the porch with a tripod and spent forever and a day trying to produce a couple moderately photogenic photos to document how things are looking with this little carrot.

So, uhhh, here we are!

Here are some of the highlights from the past few months:

First trimester wasn't so horrible. I only threw up twice, but had nausea and food aversions out the wazoo. I was definitely tired all the time--did you know your body is producing up to 50% more blood and your poor little heart is having to try to pump it all still? No wonder you get tired!

I'm not as much of an emotional wreck as I was the first trimester, but the hormonal crying has still continued. Some of our favorite reasons that I've cried:

- Remy trying to sit on my lap when I didn't want her to

- Remy sticking her head in my water glass

- The last episode of season 3 of Downton Abbey (begging Joey, 'don't ever leave me!' while sobbing for 30 minutes)

- A gum commercial

- A pet food commercial

- Watching Mulan

- Crossing the Virginia state line

- My shirt was bunching up in my underarms

- A crockpot meal I made that I thought looked yucky (another 30 minute sobbing fest)

- Having to put Remy in her crate so we could go to the ER (I apologized profusely to her, crying, 'I'm so sorry!')

- My feet were hot

Food has been a bit tricky. At the beginning I started craving stuff I would never, ever normally eat, like pb&j uncrustables, bologna and cheese sandwiches (Joey wouldn't give in to that one), and one day I even almost turned around for Arby's. Arby's, people! I haven't eaten there since at least middle school. Luckily that phase is over. I also started having major aversions. Arugula and other leafy greens would make me gag, and even now, I still can't eat a dang salad without feeling like I'm eating dirt. Fresh fruits and veggies, as well as roasted veggies (all of which I used to love) are also no longer appealing, so I've been trying to drink more vegetable juice and smoothies with beets, greens, and cucumbers in them. Its been very frustrating sometimes, not having an appetite for much of anything, but I'm trying to do the best I can. The most recent food fixation: toasted english muffins with cream cheese, tons of tomato slices, and salt + pepper. I've already had it for two meals today….and could still eat more of them.

I've had to learn that you really can't compare baby bump sizes. I have friends who are weeks ahead of me who are still practically flat as a board, and other friends who are due after me that look farther along than I do. I feel self conscious sometimes being in public or at church because I wonder if people comment about my size, but honestly and truly, every body is different. Number of previous pregnancies, position of the uterus, and lots of other things change how you look, and there's no right or wrong way, really, to look while pregnant. My doctor says the little carrot is growing just fine and I'm measuring exactly where I should, so we're all good. I've also come to accept that I'm just plain short, so the baby has to go somewhere!

I've been getting better, but I've also had to learn that shifting from infertility to pregnancy can be a hard transition. I could write a whole other post about this (I've been meaning to actually), but the bottom line is, pregnancy doesn't magically make all of the emotional parts of infertility go away. For instance, in the first couple months of being pregnant I couldn't even go to baby stores or Motherhood Maternity without feeling major anxiety and sadness. It was like my irrational side imagined everyone around me saying, 'Oh look, there's Megan. She's the infertile one, and now she thinks she belongs here with us'. Completely bananas? Yes. But it happens. Like I said, luckily I'm getting better at it, with much thanks to Joey and other similar women I've been able to talk to about pregnancy after infertility. 

Since I hit 12 weeks I've been getting migraines. I guess it just happens sometimes if you've had a previous history of them (this guy over here). So for more than five weeks now, I get migraines about 4-5 days a week, and there's not much to do about it. Tylenol, Coca-Cola, Sudafed, essential oil, massages, every conceivable old wives tale remedy---nothing's working. My doctor has also prescribed me a couple meds to try (including lortab even), and they're not helping either. Its very frustrating not being able to really function when they start up, but I wouldn't trade it for the world if this is what I've gotta do to grow a baby. Here's to hoping they end with this trimester!

Lest this post lead you to think that this has been a negative experience, we really are feeling glass-half-full about everything! I'm sleeping better than I did the first trimester, and while its tricky working around the migraines, I've got more energy to get things done. The nausea is pretty much gone too, which is such a welcome relief! Its been very fun slowly collecting baby items--Black Friday shopping consisted of getting some of our cloth diaper stash and a couple carriers ( and then testing out the carriers with our dog who is conveniently newborn size...), and Joey has just been the cutest about researching baby things, keeping track of the baby's progress with different iPhone apps, and getting so excited about being a daddy. He likes to kneel down by my stomach, give it a little tap, and say, 'Baby? Hi baby! I sure do love you'. Mushy? You bet. But I love that he cares so much! I've also finally found a prenatal yoga video that I really like, which may not seem like a big deal, but man it feels good! It really helps physically but also helps me stay focused on the big picture and the hopes we have for this experience and our growing family. And today's big 'awww' moment: I felt the babe moving around for the first time today! We were sitting in church and that little carrot just started movin' and groovin'! I guess baby Fleshman really likes them Christmas hymns. 

Well once again I have managed to write a novel. It shouldn't by now, but my long winded writing takes me by surprise every time--and leaves me feeling slightly embarrassed. But hey! My blog, right? Thanks for letting me share. Like I mentioned in our announcement post, I don't want to flood you with baby stuff, but I'm grateful to take a few moments every now and then to celebrate our rainbow baby and let the people we care about know how things are going over in our neck of the woods. 

Have a great Sunday--and yay! Its Christmas week!

THANK YOU.

We just wanted to take a minute to express our gratitude for all of the friends and family who have extended such love and well wishes to us and our little peach. Several friends emailed or texted to let me know how happy they were, saying they even relayed the news to other friends and they were celebrating and getting excited for us. Its been a difficult journey to get to this point, but its been amazing to have so many people in our lives rooting for us. We certainly have much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving!

Oh! Several friends have asked---and no, we didn't conceive while on our honeymoon in Italy over three months ago, however it looks like our good deed and extra payment to the Trevi Fountain did the trick! We're not superstitious people, but I do love that that's part of our story. So now you know folks---the Trevi Fountain can really work some serious magic! 

I'm sure you've noticed the frequency of posts has diminished over the last couple months, and we're just going to chalk it up to all of that first trimester exhaustion thing and just feeling sub-par in general. But hopefully the nausea, exhaustion, and super emotional-ness will start to fade soon and we can get back to normal! ----I still have some photos from things we did in New England over the summer….whoops!

ps: look forward to a great list of all the ridiculous things I cry about now…

Have a great Monday, and thank you again!

Holy Four-Letter-Word.

When I was a kid, my mom shared a quote with me by a member of our faith that essentially said that swearing is a feeble mind's attempt to express itself. That quote has always stuck with me and I've tried my best to remember that when frustration starts to get the better of me and I think to release a less than ladylike term from my mouth.

But in this case, I don't think any statement could be more true of my reaction on one particular September day and my imperfect, human self to comprehend it all and express everything that I felt.

But first---remember in the last post I mentioned that Joey and I got together with Brinn Willis of BMW Photography for a little project while we were in Virginia? Well awesome, amazing Brinn finished everything up that day, and now we'd love to show you what we were working on.

pssssst…you're really going to want to watch it for the rest of this post to make sense.

I suppose I could just leave it at that, but given our experience with infertility for almost a year and a half, I feel the story of how we got to this point is perhaps just as valuable, or at least to us it is. But be warned, its a long one….

On September 19th I had an appointment with our infertility specialist to touch base after being gone all summer and to see what our next plan of attack was going to be. Those that follow me on Instagram might remember that I had mentioned that this appointment did not go well. I mean at all. It would take far too long to explain the whole meeting, but I can at least share some of the highlights. First, I met with my doctor because I had some questions about my diagnosis of unexplained infertility. I wanted to see if there was anything else we could investigate before we began sinking large amounts of money into treatments. I thought this was reasonable, but every question or concern I brought up was condescendingly shot down and I basically felt like a big idiot. I'm cool with him being the doctor and the fact that he went to med school and all of that, but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to advocate for myself and ask questions so I better understand my health. So I was getting a little frustrated.

Then he brought up the miscarriage. And after dredging up what that felt like and remembering the pain Joey and I went through, I understandably (or so I thought), started to cry in his office. Big mistake. See, according to him, most people get over their miscarriages after a couple weeks, and it wasn't good that I still got emotional after four months. Boy, I could give him an earful about that one.

So lets combine my hesitancy to blindly jump in to treatments without exploring options for answers, the fact that I cried about the miscarriage (you know, the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life so far), and that my medical history indicates I had problems with anxiety and depression years ago (and have overcome and haven't needed medication for in almost three years)…and my doctor tells me that he refuses to treat me for several more months because I am not stable to handle treatments or be a parent and that I need to see a psychiatrist and go on antidepressants. Then to add insult to injury, as I checked out the receptionist completing my paperwork gave me a condescending lecture about how I'm still young and I need to be grateful that I am because some women can't biologically afford to take a break like I can.

Now let me say, I have no problem with mental illness. I'm all for getting help and not hiding it because of embarrassment and social stigma. So that's not the issue here. The issue is that he felt that after one 45 minute appointment, during which, very emotional subjects were discussed, that he is in a position to judge my mental stability and resiliency in every other moment of my life, and that he pronounced that judgment without opening any sort of dialogue about it with me, all because I cried. And that receptionist had no right chastising me as if I was a pouting child---I have just as much right to want a baby as quickly as anyone else---that's why I was at a fertility clinic in the first place!---and frankly it was none of her business. I could go on and on about it all, but I guess the point is: my appointment sucked. Big time.

Needless to say I was furious the rest of the day. And after I picked up Joey from work and recounted the appointment to him, he was equally as upset---it was one of the few times I've seen him actually angry. And we both just cried. We were at a complete loss. It had been almost a year and a half of trying and we had nothing to show for it except a miscarriage. We couldn't make our dream happen on our own, and now the one person who is supposed to be able to help us, wouldn't. We really felt like we had no idea what we were going to do.

The next day was Friday and I had an appointment scheduled with my regular doctor at the Naval Clinic because I had been having UTI symptoms all week. I knew this week that I was nearing the end of the "two week wait" and would be able to test, so even with all of the awfulness of the previous day's appointment, I still had a bit of hope that somehow we'd have a miracle and I'd be pregnant anyways. As I got up to get ready for the appointment, I noticed I had some bleeding. And I lost it! I had hoped that everything was going to work out anyways and I wouldn't have to go back to my jag of a doctor again---but no. Now I once again can't get pregnant on my own, don't have a doctor that will help us, and to kick me while I'm down, my period decides to rear its ugly head five days early. 

I went to my appointment feeling absolutely defeated and like I just wanted to get it over with so I could go back home and drown myself in sweatpants and Netflix. Of course any time you might have a UTI, the first thing they do is send you to the lab for a urine sample. So I completed that step and then returned to the exam room and waited for my doctor. 

Fifteen or so minutes passed by when she came into the room, and the first words out of her mouth were "congratulations, you're pregnant!" And, rather frustrated, confident in my infertile body, and matching her tone I replied "no, I'm not!" She handed me the lab work, pointed at a few numbers, and there at the bottom of the paper I saw P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T. So for the second time in 24 hours I cried in a doctors office. I told her I couldn't be because I was bleeding quite a bit that morning, and I had experienced implantation bleeding before and knew this time was nothing like that. Her face turned serious and she began asking me more questions, eventually deciding to put me on progesterone (which my infertility sisters will empathize with--these are the worst!) and fairly strict bed rest until further notice. After one last hug from my doctor, another nurse came in to ask me a few more questions and go over my history. At one point he looked at me and rather surprised (and with a hint of judgment) he asked "So, you really didn't know you were pregnant?". And this still just makes me laugh because I think, no, I didn't know, but not in the same way other women might come in here and say they didn't know. I mean when you're working with a 4% chance of getting pregnant, you're probably going to be pretty confident it ain't happenin' too. 

Oh and the irony of it all? The UTI test came back negative. 

I drove home that morning in complete shock, my feeble little mind unable to comprehend or express what the heck just happened. In 24 hours everything had changed in drastic ways. I repeated an exasperated, surprised expletive in my mind because I just couldn't think of much else to think. I slowly and as gently as I could, climbed the three flights of stairs to our apartment, cozied up on the couch, and arranged for someone to pick Joey up from work. I still didn't quite believe it all, so at one point during the afternoon my silly self even took a couple HPTs, just so I could see for myself. And sure enough, it was there! 

Joey eventually made it home and I got to share the crazy news with him. But you know what? I think part of him already knew. I mean he was hoping this was how the day was going to go anyways, but after watching his reaction and talking about how we felt, I think something inside him already knew. I just love that about him. 

Funny enough, we actually spent the rest of that Friday night at the ER because, though the UTI didn't show up on my lab work earlier that morning, by dinner time it had progressed enough that doctors were able to catch it and treat it. 

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So that's the story, and sometimes I still can't believe it. 

That Friday afternoon I reflected on the previous day and that horrible appointment, and I wondered why on earth I had to go through that if we were pregnant all along. And I immediately thought back to one moment that day. I was driving to the base to pick Joey up from work, sobbing uncontrollably and blasting a song that has always been a pick-me-up. I was thinking about how defeated and hopeless I felt. And then all of a sudden it clicked. I gripped the steering wheel tight and sang at the top of my lungs and I thought, NO! My infertility specialist will not be right about me! I am not unstable---I am resilient and strong and I fight back. I may cry and I may have hard days, but I've always gotten back up---the fact that I'm even alive and breathing right now proves that. I will not let him tell me who I am! And come hell or high water, we WILL make our family. And I cried even more (I'm a cryer, ok people. I hate it and I'm always embarrassed by it, but I'm a cryer---and pregnancy hormones have only made it worse). And I think that is why that Thursday, September 19th had to happen. I needed to show myself that I could do this, that I'm capable and strong and can still overcome hard things. I needed to remind myself just how damn hard I was willing to work to make things happen for us. 

We are now over 12 weeks, and things are going swimmingly. Naturally, I've been a little worried every now and then since I've already miscarried before, and we did have a little scare at week seven. But so far everything about baby is healthy and perfect and I no longer have to take progesterone or be on bed rest. And we've felt really good about it too. We've talked about how this is different from our last pregnancy, and we both just feel at peace this time. Last time, while we were happy, it didn't quite feel real, there was always a slightly "off" feeling about the whole experience and we never day dreamed too far in to the future. This time, everything is as clear as day. We're happy, we're at peace, we actually research strollers and bottles and swaddling blankets, and we feel great about it all. Its very refreshing and exciting. 

So how did this all even happen? I can't deny that there are probably greater works at play beyond the two of us. Since talking more about our infertility struggle, people have shared why they think we couldn't get pregnant---or rather, why God wouldn't let us yet, from timing with Joey's schedule to not having a strong enough marriage, to even suggesting I wasn't meant to be a mom. And truthfully, I don't think a single one of them was right. I don't think there's ever a perfect time or a perfect checking account balance to have a child. Especially with the Navy, not one single chunk of time is any easier than the rest of it, really. And the other baloney speculations? That's a topic for another time. No, what I think we needed was the summer we had. I think perhaps God knew how important traveling was to us and that the opportunities to do so would drastically dwindle once Joey starts deploying. I think we needed to take all those trips, check off those goals. I think we needed to do things totally unlike us, like go places spur of the moment, or use a credit card for the first time in years just for something fun. I think we needed to stop putting our lives on hold just in case a baby came or just in case we had to do IVF eventually. 

I also think that we have Preseed to thank. If you've read about Preseed, you'll know that it kind of sounds too good to be true, and that couples often buy it thinking it'll solve all of their infertility woes and they'll be just like the couple in the testimonial that got pregnant after one month of using it. But unfortunately for some people, it won't work that way. And we knew this. However we also knew that $20 for a product that could end up working was a lot cheaper than $1500 for IUI or $10,000-20,000 for IVF. So we figured, what do we have to lose? And it turns out, absolutely nothing. We ended up being one of those testimonial couples that got pregnant the first time they tried it. And maybe it was the Preseed. Maybe it wasn't. All I know is that in the grand scheme of things it was a small price to pay, and I think it was worth the try. 

I know I've written a novel, so if you're still reading, go you! But I just wanted to finish up with one last thing.

Publishing this post was a very scary thing. I have formed some very special friendships with people who are also going through infertility, and I have friends I had known previously who have opened up to me about their private struggle as well. And I know how hard it can be when yet another person announces their pregnancy (I've had six friends this week alone!). I know that, though it is unintentional, pregnancy announcements can cause a lot of pain for others. I hate that I have felt it myself and might now be inflicting it upon someone else that I care about. I've spent the last two months trying to figure out how to do this all in the most compassionate, sensitive way, without seeming condescending or insensitive. And I suppose what I most want to say is that, my dear friends, you have been on my mind. I have not forgotten what infertility feels like or my friends who are also going through it just because our situation has changed. In fact the "infertile to fertile" transition  has been harder than I thought. I want to be supportive and kind and sensitive. But I also deserve to be happy about the challenge we've overcome. And the option I have come up with right now to reconcile those feelings is that I am choosing not to post much about the pregnancy on Facebook, but will update occasionally on the blog and Instagram. I will still post links on Facebook to blog posts I write which puts few details on Facebook, but after my own experience with infertility and social media, I think this is what I'll be most comfortable with. I love you all greatly and want to continue to offer support, encouragement, and compassion, if that's ok with you. But please just know, I still think about you and will not forget the love and support you have extended to me during our struggle. 

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Well I think I've said more than enough. We're happy and excited and grateful for our rainbow baby, and so glad we could share this video and story with our friends and family. And this couldn't have been published at a better time because I have become distinctly more round the past couple days. So now you know--I'm not getting chubbier, I'm just pregnant! ;)

Much love!