I Slept on It, And Here's What I Want to Say.

In the past 24 hours I have written two different blog posts. 

The first out of frustration and hurt feelings. The second out of questioning myself---or rather, pretty much being lied to, I guess to make me feel like I was wrong (and so I questioned my response), only to have them admit (in a convoluted, we-did-but-we-didn’t sort of way) that they were in fact talking about me and judging & criticizing me. But that is neither here nor there. Neither of my posts have appropriately said what I want to say. 

So here it is:

This blog is about my experience. I have been clear in previous posts as well as in our “about us” and “why blog” sections that we are new to the world of infertility, that we got a head start on the process because we were operating under the assumption that I had a certain diagnosis (PCOS since I was 14-15), and that we had no idea how long this journey would last. I am not lamenting after only trying to conceive for two months. Its been a little over ten months now, and I have had serious medical conditions that clearly interfere with fertility. I have every right to seek the treatment I feel is appropriate, and to write about my experience.

As I said before, I started writing about my experiences because many friends and family asked and encouraged me to write, to help them understand what its like and how they can be the most supportive. I have actually received emails thanking me for my honesty about my experiences because it has helped them open up about their own infertility problems and to seek help.

My decision to write about my experience doesn’t negate any reader’s personal trials or problems. My trial isn’t greater than the trial of someone who has experienced infertility for years, or someone who is going through a divorce, or someone who has lost a parent. And for an individual to say that, by writing about my own life (and not theirs), I am in some way disrespecting the life and memory of a loved one they or someone they know have lost, is unkind and unfair. Do not think that my character is so cold, unfeeling, mean, and selfish that I take away from the severity of another person’s grief, just by experiencing my own. 

I still stand by this quote from Resolve---

"Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen. People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel..."

I would never tell (and have never told) someone that their trial is any less than someone else's. I've never said that my problem right now is bigger than any other problem that anyone else has or has ever had. I have not judged someone else’s trial and how they decide to handle it, whether its drinking, declining to talk about it, or choosing to write about it, as I have. I have never told someone that they don’t know what true pain, suffering, grief, and trial are because they haven’t experienced things in life that I have. And I would appreciate and think I deserve the same courtesy. Just like everyone else, there are many things about my life and my past that few--if any--know about. It is unfair, wrong, and quite hurtful, actually, to assume that I know nothing of pain, just because the details of my life are unknown to some. If someone else’s trial and grief is valid, so is mine, because right now, this is the hardest thing for me to go through. Maybe it won't be next year or in five years, or thirty. But right now, it is. I don’t know how else to explain this concept. 

I have taken great care to make sure, to the best of my human ability, that I don’t write things that hurt or offend others. I spend multiple hours and go through several drafts before content is even published (yes, even yesterday’s post). I try not to write and publish in a state of uncontrolled emotion. With the exception of these last couple posts, I do not write about other people (you know, real, actual acquaintances). I’m not perfect, but I at least try to be tactful and considerate. It is unfortunate if someone read something that I wrote and chose to be offended and bothered by me and my story. I think sometimes people are looking for things to be offended by because of the experience they are having themselves. I am not disregarding everyone’s feelings--quite the opposite. I am making my best effort to be kind and aware. But there is only so much I can do. I hope that the true tone and purpose of my writing is evident (and again, I have done my best to be clear about my purpose and where I am coming from), and I do my best to understand why people feel the way they do towards me, however if someone chooses to be so outraged and offended by me, that’s their decision. I am doing my part to be kind and considerate, but when someone still chooses to be mad and rude to me, I make no apologies for my writing or even my decision to write about my life on my blog. 

I am going to keep writing about my experience. I try to balance the good with the bad, but sometimes life just doesn't unfold that way. If an individual doesn’t like that, they are welcome to stop reading. Not every post will be about infertility (though to those individuals who told me that “everyone” thinks that its not worth reading, my posts where I write about my real life and my real experiences have quadruple the reads as any other kind of post I publish). Sometimes there might be three in a row that are about infertility. Its my blog and my choice. However I can’t stress enough, if someone doesn’t like it, they aren’t being forced to read it. 

I do try to get people to see that infertility isn't just cured or even alleviated with a cruise, or having more sex, or by just forgetting about having babies. Its a serious trial with serious emotional, mental, and physical ramifications. And I won't ever say its anything less than that. I won't apologize for explaining just how devastating it is, whether someone thinks it actually is or not or whether I deserve to feel that way at all. I do not need to be ashamed of my experience and the emotions I feel. 

I don’t expect everyone to approve or agree with what I write. I recognize that one of the consequences of writing in a public way is the opinions of readers. I am not afraid of critique or a difference of opinion. But am I bothered by rudeness and unwarranted, passive aggressive meanness.

Not all of our friends and family agree with my course of treatment (or pursuing treatment at all) or our desire to have children right now. They don't understand why this hurts me so much. But they still try to be supportive as best they know how. For those people, we are very grateful and we love you dearly. I know that the majority of those we know and who read fall into this category. A couple of our acquaintances fall in the former. And that’s fine, they don’t have to support me (and apparently they don’t even have to be nice to me). But as long as we have that majority of loved ones who care about, love, and support us, I’m going to keep writing.

As much as I wanted to say my piece, I will not drag this out anymore. This post will be here for anyone to read, and I have done my best to...make disclaimers, if you will, about my blog and my decision to write about infertility. I have done as much as I can, and now it is up to readers and how they will choose to react to my words--with offense or with at least some measure of understanding.