Monday, March 11, 2013

Its Not Just a Case of the Mondays

Today is a stay-in-bed-and-eat-your-feelings kind of day.

Unfortunately, I absolutely had to go to the grocery store this morning or we'd have a heaping plate of nothing for dinner tonight.

But you can bet that as soon as I came home, I crawled right back in to bed, unwrapped my embarrassing yet craving-satisfying Taco Bell burrito, and resumed the way my morning began---in tears. Of course, I had to go to work a couple hours later. And now I sit at my desk, eyes burning, swollen, and red from crying, praying I can just hold on for four hours and then I can go home, away from everyone.

Its one of those days where I wish I could just sleep forever, because that's the only true moment of solace and escape from the heartache. 

Not every day is this bad---some days I go on with life.
And then, something happens that brings you right back to reality---broken, barren, a failure. 

Everyone tells me that this isn't a punishment from God, but it sure feels like it. 
Everyone says that its not the right time, but then I think about all of the teenage girls, the women who have one night stands, the irresponsible, the abusive, the drug addicts, who are pregnant. Is it the right time for them
I got an education. I got married in the temple. I did everything I could to be someone that would make a good (or at the very least a decent) mom. I married a good man who is trustworthy and kind. We can actually afford to care for a child. We pay our tithing. We go to church every Sunday. We fulfill our callings.
But its not the right time for me? For us?

I sound horribly dramatic. But,
Studies have shown that women dealing with infertility experience the same stress, depression, and general negative feelings as someone with cancer or the loss of a loved one. The grief of infertility is no less than the grief of illness or death. 
So every 33-42 days, I'm left mourning the loss of a child that doesn't even exist yet, a dream that once again didn't come true. I'm mourning my failure as a female, my inability to perform the greatest privilege God gives to women. I'm mourning my stupidity for getting my hopes up every month and thinking 'this could finally be it'. I'm mourning being mocked by my body that lies to me and makes me think the nausea, tenderness, headaches, bloating, and initial absence of a period are all signs that this pain is over. 

I've done ten months of this. 
And though that might seem like nothing to some, 
its been an eternity for me. 

Despite all of this, I'd at least like to say that I'm touched by those who reached out to me over the weekend and who encouraged me through blog comments, Facebook messages, and emails to tell my story. I'm grateful for your support and love.

***update 3/21: Saying that the grief of infertility is similar to the kind that comes with cancer or death is not meant to offend anyone or make those trials less painful and horrible. It is not saying that they are the same experience. They aren't. It is saying that the level of grief is similar. This doesn't lessen the pain people feel during the death of a loved one or through cancer. Likewise, the grief of realizing you miss a child that never existed, isn't to say that you know exactly what its like to lose one of your actual children. It is simply mourning the loss of a dream, every month. As Resolve, the National Fertility Association explains, 
"Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."***


  1. you aren't a failure.

  2. Megan, first I love you. For your spunky sense of humor and radical RED hair and your sensative sweet nature you have touched my heart with. This is all personal opinion so just take with a grain of salt haha! You deserve to be upset and I can only imagine the emotional pain your getting put through but as someone that loves you, it's really hard to see you so sad and stressed. Obviously you can't just not be stressed about this but do your best to allow yourself to be happy and find joy in the small things around you because you are a very successful righteous and well put together woman that has purpose! I am here for you if you ever need to just get out and get your mind off it or if you need to vent about it. I have had several of my single friends and family members get pregenant this last year and they were shocked and scared and it first strikes you as frustrated that things like that can happen when someone as amazing as you is having such difficulty but I have seen the difference it has made in there life, the change in their character, and know that it was in-fact "time" for them because God knows us better then we know ourselves and knew they needed that experience to help them grow. What you are going through right now and whatever the long-term conclusion you get is what you are supposed to be going through to become all that Heavenly Father knows you can be! Your so faithful. Stay strong! We love you!

  3. I'm sorry it was one of those days. Mother's day, Father's day and the birthday of our second daughter are the hardest ones for us. I will pray for you tonight. I want to speak words of comfort but sometimes we just need to feel the pain and heartache...know that because you feel such deep sorrow, you will also feel equally deep love and hope...things don't always turn out the way we plan. Someday things won't hurt so much, no matter what happens. Sending you a hug right now!

  4. by the way, I love that picture of Remy, you're going to have to let me take some pictures of her sometime!

  5. Megan,

    First of all let me say you are amazing! I think it is 100% acceptable/ healthy to have days when you stay in bed and eat everything in sight and cry, it helps. Second, I wish I had something to say that would actually make you feel better.. I have no idea at all what you're going through and I can't imagine the pain you are constantly feeling. But just know I will be praying for you and putting your name in the temple even though we don't know each other all that well :) you will make an incredible mom one day!!

    -Caitlin Bowen


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