$5 Happiness and a Question for YOU

You know what one of the best sights in the world is?

Your handsome husband in his Navy uniform, walking through the door after a day at work, flowers for you in hand.

---- And I'm married to the guy!

That was my Thursday afternoon, and I loved it. 

I had a friend when I was younger who was adamant that fresh flowers are a useless gesture because they just die (yeah I'm calling you out, Trav!), but I have to whole heartedly disagree. A vase of flowers is one of my favorite things in life, and receiving a surprise bouquet from my best friend and love brings me so much joy. I'm so grateful for a husband who thinks of me, and remembers that a five dollar bouquet of flowers can turn my whole day around.

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So, I have something to run by you guys----

Well, I've been so touched by the love and encouragement that I (and we) have received as I've opened up about our infertility experience. It was a bit of a surprise to me.

You see, I've come to realize that I regularly create my own judgments for myself, and assume that others around me have them about me. I feel some nebulous judgment and guilt when I buy organic. I feel it when I don't buy organic. I feel it when I comment in groups or forums. I feel it when I blog. I feel it when I think about writing about infertility. Maybe I'm just a narcissist for thinking people think things about me that much (I know they most likely don't, but I'm still paranoid). I don't know. But what I do know is that I allow judgements I assume other people have about me (whether they actually have them or not) to stifle me and keep me from trying things I might want to try. 

Well one of those things I've been thinking about trying is writing more about my infertility experience. I originally approached my experience with the mentality that none of my friends or family would want to know about it because it would make them feel uncomfortable or they wouldn't be interested or care, quite frankly. I didn't want to be one of those people that are too open and alienate all of their social contacts. I just didn't want people to judge me and say "That Megan, she's crazy. What is she thinking?! Talk about awkward". 

But the more I read infertility blogs and group posts, etc, the more I feel like I might be able to provide a new point of view----

The past couple days I've been feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. 

I don't fit in with my group of pregnant friends (which seems to grow every day) because we're having practically the exact opposite experience. I don't fit in with my friends who don't want kids for a long time because some of them don't understand why I would even want a baby at 24 anyways. 

But then I feel like I don't fit in with a lot of the infertility support groups I've been sort of participating in because the majority of the women are several years older than me and have been going through infertility for four, five, six...ten! years. And I'm sitting here at the ten month mark. And maybe this is all in my head (you know, that whole paranoid judgment narcissism issue I seem to have?), but I feel like they look at me and think, "Who does she think she is? She has no idea what this is really like".  Toss in the Mormon and military thing (which both add their own logistical, emotional, and spiritual challenges), and I'm kind of feeling like a square peg in a round hole. 

***Now let me make a disclaimer and say that I in no way intend to offend anyone or seem ungrateful. We are blessed with some great friends and I'm grateful for those that try so hard to support and love us. But we find comfort in people that are going through the same things as us, you know?***

----OK, after all of that rambling (sorry if you're sitting there thinking, "Where is she going with this?"), I'm thinking that I would like to start writing more about my experience. I want to add my voice and help to open up the dialogue about infertility, a subject that has made women (and men!) feel embarrassed, broken, and ashamed.

I want to provide my point of view as someone who is just starting out---decoding the many acronyms, figuring out all of the different medications, coming to terms with the reality of seeing a fertility specialist, working to accept yourself and still feel feminine, finding purpose and motivation in a path you had never planned on....

Sure, we have no idea how long we will go through this. Maybe just a couple more months, maybe several more years. We don't know. But even if its for a small amount of time, I think my experience could still be valuable and could help other people who find themselves in this same situation.

So would this be ok with you guys? Would you read it? Would it be helpful?

I can't wait for you feedback---so please give it! 

;)