Saturday, March 9, 2013

$5 Happiness and a Question for YOU

You know what one of the best sights in the world is?
Your handsome husband in his Navy uniform, walking through the door after a day at work, flowers for you in hand.
---- And I'm married to the guy!

That was my Thursday afternoon, and I loved it. 

I had a friend when I was younger who was adamant that fresh flowers are a useless gesture because they just die (yeah I'm calling you out, Trav!), but I have to whole heartedly disagree. A vase of flowers is one of my favorite things in life, and receiving a surprise bouquet from my best friend and love brings me so much joy. I'm so grateful for a husband who thinks of me, and remembers that a five dollar bouquet of flowers can turn my whole day around.


So, I have something to run by you guys----
Well, I've been so touched by the love and encouragement that I (and we) have received as I've opened up about our infertility experience. It was a bit of a surprise to me.

You see, I've come to realize that I regularly create my own judgments for myself, and assume that others around me have them about me. I feel some nebulous judgment and guilt when I buy organic. I feel it when I don't buy organic. I feel it when I comment in groups or forums. I feel it when I blog. I feel it when I think about writing about infertility. Maybe I'm just a narcissist for thinking people think things about me that much (I know they most likely don't, but I'm still paranoid). I don't know. But what I do know is that I allow judgements I assume other people have about me (whether they actually have them or not) to stifle me and keep me from trying things I might want to try. 

Well one of those things I've been thinking about trying is writing more about my infertility experience. I originally approached my experience with the mentality that none of my friends or family would want to know about it because it would make them feel uncomfortable or they wouldn't be interested or care, quite frankly. I didn't want to be one of those people that are too open and alienate all of their social contacts. I just didn't want people to judge me and say "That Megan, she's crazy. What is she thinking?! Talk about awkward". 

But the more I read infertility blogs and group posts, etc, the more I feel like I might be able to provide a new point of view----

The past couple days I've been feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. 
I don't fit in with my group of pregnant friends (which seems to grow every day) because we're having practically the exact opposite experience. I don't fit in with my friends who don't want kids for a long time because some of them don't understand why I would even want a baby at 24 anyways. 
But then I feel like I don't fit in with a lot of the infertility support groups I've been sort of participating in because the majority of the women are several years older than me and have been going through infertility for four, five, six...ten! years. And I'm sitting here at the ten month mark. And maybe this is all in my head (you know, that whole paranoid judgment narcissism issue I seem to have?), but I feel like they look at me and think, "Who does she think she is? She has no idea what this is really like".  Toss in the Mormon and military thing (which both add their own logistical, emotional, and spiritual challenges), and I'm kind of feeling like a square peg in a round hole. 

***Now let me make a disclaimer and say that I in no way intend to offend anyone or seem ungrateful. We are blessed with some great friends and I'm grateful for those that try so hard to support and love us. But we find comfort in people that are going through the same things as us, you know?***

----OK, after all of that rambling (sorry if you're sitting there thinking, "Where is she going with this?"), I'm thinking that I would like to start writing more about my experience. I want to add my voice and help to open up the dialogue about infertility, a subject that has made women (and men!) feel embarrassed, broken, and ashamed.

I want to provide my point of view as someone who is just starting out---decoding the many acronyms, figuring out all of the different medications, coming to terms with the reality of seeing a fertility specialist, working to accept yourself and still feel feminine, finding purpose and motivation in a path you had never planned on....

Sure, we have no idea how long we will go through this. Maybe just a couple more months, maybe several more years. We don't know. But even if its for a small amount of time, I think my experience could still be valuable and could help other people who find themselves in this same situation.

So would this be ok with you guys? Would you read it? Would it be helpful?

I can't wait for you feedback---so please give it! 


  1. Megan, I know I've never commented on your blog before... but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

    Also, I have no problem reading/talking about fertility with you. As you know... I'm in the same boat as you. Mormon and military. Fertility problems. Wanting children at a younger age.

    Don't let people make you feel uncomfortable or afraid to talk about it. There are probably a lot of people out there reading this that feel the same way, but are too afraid to discuss it.

    Best of luck to you. :)

  2. Meg! I absolutely would love to read more about you and everything you're going through--I feel like I always say or do the wrong things when I try to comfort my many, many friends who have struggled with infertility. I know how it feels to be a "square peg in a round hole" in other situations, and I think sometimes it's harder to accept certain things about yourself and your life when you hide them under a to speak. :) Your thoughts and experiences are so valid and important! I can't wait to see what you have to say.

  3. Megan,

    I agree with those above. While I have friends who struggle with fertility, I find that them talking about it helps in some cases. Everyone who reads your blog is here to comfort and support you and our journeys. Here we are listening and comforting you from afar.

  4. I'm not going to say that I know exactly how you feel, because you're right: I don't. I just wanted to say that I feel for you. It took us a lot longer than we expected to conceive and it was seriously hard on me. We never saw any doctors about it and I felt so alone and confused. I wrote a few blog posts about it and the outpouring of love and support we received in return was huge. I did not expect that at all, and it was such a comfort. You are not alone! People are praying for you and thinking about you often.

    I think it's a great idea to be more open about your experience. I usually find that writing things down helps me a lot. I know our situations are not the same, but I would love to read what you have to say about your experience. Praying for you!

  5. Meg, I just think that your writing is so beautiful and you are too. I love reading what you write because it is very real and I truly feel touched and grateful for your words.

  6. Please share. I think, regardless if trials are exactly the same, everyone can benefit from not only sharing their struggles but hearing about the struggles of others.

  7. Yes, please do! I am a bit confused what to do myself. We had Elanor of course, a little over two years ago and have been unable to get pregnant since then. I have not written about it on my blog because, well, I don't really know. I just keep hoping I will get pregnant since I did before. However, since we are have wanted to be pregnant for well over a year, we are thinking about seeing a doctor and are not sure where to start. So, if you have any advice that would be great! I am sort of in a similar boat as you, I am the same age, I don't know why I can't get pregnant, but I have already had a baby. It just makes it so hard since I want Elanor to have a sibling so bad and I never thought about how it would be hard to conceive after already having a baby. Ugghh... It is just sort of miserable, but I am trying to stay positive. I would love to read your thoughts and know that I am hoping and praying for you!

    1. Elizabeth,
      Obviously its a decision for you and Tyler, but I would really consider looking into it and talking with your doctor. Especially since its been over a year, you definitely have every right to ask for help.
      I don't know what its like for you and how your health insurance works, but for me, I had to see my Primary Care Physician and get a referral to a Fertility Specialist. Talking with your main family doctor is the best place to start, and if they don't acknowledge your concerns, go get a second opinion. Secondary Infertility is a real thing and I'm sure it must really be hurting you.
      I'm just figuring everything out and am obviously new on this journey, but if theres anything you want to know, just ask. I'll be praying for you too!

  8. You go girl! Infertility shouldn't be a taboo topic! I know it's a very personal thing to share with the world, but what you do feel comfortable sharing, please please post about it. I think you will make a positive influence on more women (and men) then you know.

  9. I love your blog! I love knowing what is going on in your life, even though you and Joey are far away, I have a wonderful place in my heart for both of you. And I love getting to hear about your life through your blog. I feel like you have experiences to share that are unique. It is very likely that Cameron will end up in the military, and even though it scares me a little, I find great strength in you and in his other friends in similar situations. I know this struggle with pregnancy must be so hard, but I am gad I get to know about your experiences. I keep wanting to re-start my blog. There is something special about writing and letting people into your life that way.

  10. I've really enjoyed reading your blog and would love to read more about your experience and I feel the same way about not fitting it. To tell you the truth I've just about given up on trying to fit it in. My husband and I are realizing that we are just different. We don't fit in with those who are having babies, we don't fit in with those who are suffering from infertility, we have our own set of choices and problems, that only we can make the decisions about and I'm to the point that if people want to judge me, let them, I could care less (even though it hurts). Some times I feel bitter, but I try every day to just find what little hope there is in life's situations and hope that God knows me and knows that I'm doing my best. I try to find people who are kind and who inspire me and I do my best to be a good friend to them. We are trying to adopt but most days we are just grateful for the daughters we have.


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