Meg's Update

 Been day dreaming about this Italian paradise lately

Well, on this sunny Thursday you can find me in bed, cuddled up with Remy and Marley, watching my own 30 Rock marathon as I recover from my little surgery I had yesterday. I figure that while I sit here, I might write a little something for our friends and family who are interested in my/our current infertility experience. Like I said when I first talked about it here, I don't plan on writing a lot about it or updating frequently, but I thought it would be ok to give an update on where I'm at.

Two weeks ago I had my first appointment with my new fertility specialist, and though it was overwhelming with a barrage of information, I'm glad I was able to get the referral and that Joey had the day off so he could come with me. I really like my doctor and my nurse, and everyone at the office is very kind and patient, which I really appreciate because sometimes I feel totally crazy trying to get through all of this. My doctor went over the next few steps over the coming months, including a couple diagnostic tests, a little surgery (which I did yesterday), moving on to medications and injections, and then on to IUIs. 

So, the main mind-blower was that, after doing some more blood work and ultrasounds, my doctor has determined that I don't in fact have PCOS---you know, that condition I've been told I had and have been treated for since I was 14. Yup, don't have it. I won't bore you with the details of how we arrived at that conclusion, but I trust that he's right and that I was misdiagnosed. It still is kind of crazy to me that I don't have it, and there are things about my body that I was told were a result of PCOS (but apparently aren't) that I'm having to reconcile and understand, but I know in general, its a good thing that I don't have it. The downside is, with PCOS being ruled out, Joey's tests coming back above average, and ultrasounds revealing that all of my errrmmm... hardware is working just fine, that right now my diagnosis is unexplained infertility. And I don't know about you guys, but I think in general, I would much rather know whats going on instead of saying 'well your insides look perfectly fine and seem to be working, but you're not getting pregnant and we don't know why'. So that kind of stinks, but at least we are moving forward and are going to try some things to help.

About yesterday. 

Remember in that first post I talked about that I mentioned I have a bicornuate uterus? Well yesterday I had a hysteroscopy to basically get some more info on what exactly is going on. The HSG test I did that first indicated the BU only shows the outline of the uterus, but we needed to see the inside. After the hysteroscopy we learned that the abnormality wasn't as extreme or "bad" as the HSG made us thought (apparently the X-ray from the HSG isn't as valuable as the hysteroscopy), and could easily be repaired right then and there. So my doctor went ahead with the surgery (I guess that's what you'd call it) and made a few incisions to create a more normal uterine shape. Oh, and did I mention I did it without any anesthesia or pain killers? Booyah. Yeah yeah, I know its not like having your femur sawed in half, but he was still cutting at my insides, and that hurts! But doing it right then without any meds was pretty much our best option, otherwise I'd have to wait for my next cycle (that's the tricky thing about infertility stuff. With a lot of things, you have to do it on a certain day and if you miss it, you have to wait another 30-40 days!) to reschedule, and because their anesthesiologist wasn't licensed with our insurance the anesthesia wouldn't have been covered anyways, so I just bit the bullet (only metaphorically) and went ahead with it. I will say that it wasn't as painful as I was thinking it might be, but it was still painful and left me feeling pretty light headed and dizzy for a while afterwards. The rest of the day (and still this morning) I've just had pain like really bad cramps---but thank goodness for a loving husband who took such good care of me. 

So what now? 

Well now that I essentially have a "perfect" uterus and we've determined that I don't have PCOS, we are moving forward under the diagnosis of unexplained infertility. So that means that when I start my next cycle, I will start Letrozole, an oral medication, and Follistim, a medication that is injected into my abdomen (yikes!). Basically the goal of these is to increase my monthly chances. So right now, I'm sitting at a 4-5% chance of getting pregnant each month (normal is 20% each month), and these medication should bring it up to 10-15% (I think, don't quote me on that though). Joey and I will decide how many cycles we want to try this way, and if they are unsuccessful, we will move on to IUI. We are hoping the medications work because they are essentially our last free options, because IUIs and other "artificial" methods are not covered by Tricare, our insurance. SO cross your fingers!

I'd be lying if I said I was fine through all of this, but I'm trying harder lately to have a positive outlook. I've definitely had some hard days where I just feel so confused and upset and devastated, but I'm trying. Sometimes I find it easier to be sad and depressed because if I'm completely negative, then I can't go any lower. But if I get my hopes up, I can always be disappointed. But I know this is no way to live, so I'm just trying to get through each day and find a way to be hopeful, even when there are setbacks. I do keep a separate journal dedicated to my experience that I can write about the bad days and the hard moments---I am a firm believer that sometimes you have to write about the ugly so that poison in your life can be released and you can move on. While I don't necessarily think the rest of the world needs to know about those ugly moments on a regular basis, I can tell that getting them out in a private way has been very therapeutic for me.

I've also been working on not being hurt by others and their comments, as good as their intentions might be. See, when you start being more open about infertility, more people start to share their opinions, advice, etc. too. And sometimes, while they might mean well (whether to lighten the mood, focus on the "positive" or what you have now, or make it seem like its not that bad), people say things that are actually hurtful----"you're only 24, you shouldn't be worried about kids!" "just relax, you're trying too hard and that's why its not working" "have you tried doing it more?" "maybe God has a different plan for you besides having kids" "just don't worry about it, we weren't even trying and we got pregnant!" "you want kids? take mine! once you have kids you'll wish you hadn't!". And dang it, sometimes its just too easy to be offended and sour. So I'm trying to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that their heart is in the right place, even if their comments aren't as helpful or uplifting as they might think. We are definitely grateful for those who think of us and want us to be happy.

Finally, I've decided to quite my job because it was adding unnecessary stress. Plus, infertility treatments require a lot of unexpected appointments because everything has to be scheduled on certain days of your cycle which you can't always predict so I wouldn't be a very dependable employee. Joey and I feel good about this decision and we think this is the right thing for me right now. I plan on filling my days with new books and projects, more exercising, and other activities to help me find fulfillment and happiness throughout each week. 

Well, if you read allllll of that, congrats! Go get a cookie. You earned it. 

I know it was a lot, but it helps me to write things and I know there are some friends and family who wanted to know what's been going on, so I figured I'd get it all down in once place. 

We love you all so much and are grateful for your prayers and well wishes. I know we haven't been dealing with this as long as other people out there have, but even so, its a difficult experience no matter what point in the journey you're at, so we certainly appreciate the support. 

Much love and happy Thursday!