Where I'm At.

I've wanted to write an infertility update recently, but there isn't really much going on---much to my displeasure. After the miscarriage I was not in the best place emotionally--my heart was understandably broken, and as much as I like to think I'm generally a positive person, life was fairly difficult. And even though I shouldn't be ashamed of my grief, and its ok that I didn't (and still haven't completely) accept what happened or bounce back quickly, I decided to take a little break from blogging about infertility until we got to Connecticut. 

So now that we're here, now what? 

Here's the dish--

We are taking a break, of sorts. Obviously if we're here and the fertility clinic is in South Carolina, we can't do treatments. That thought has been extremely frustrating to me. We want to get back to it, but the fact that we can't do any sort of injections or procedures means we're pretty much left on our own until the fall. Sure, we can't say miracles won't happen, but when you're already sitting at a 4% chance every month (and it just keeps getting lower), things aren't really looking good for you on your own. 

So that brings us to the next facet of where we're at. Because my body wouldn't miscarry on is own and I had to have a D&C, we were instructed that my body needed more time before trying again. Some doctors say try again as soon as you want, others say wait three months. Ours told us to wait until after I get my next period (I know I know, the dreaded P word. Eh, ya gotta talk about it sometimes). This has been yet another source of frustration and anxiety for me. I've heard countless stories of women who, after a miscarriage, have irregular periods or none at all. This has been a fear of mine because if that were to happen, more time and effort and potential treatments would be spent on just getting my cycle as regular as possible again, before we could even worry about trying to conceive. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather have as few barriers and obstacles as possible. Luckily, after 38 days (a little long but I'll take it) I started a new period last week. And for the first time in my post-pubescent life, I was ecstatic about it. Sure, my uterus feels like it wants to fall out, and sure, I'm beyond bloated and yet still only want to eat chocolate, burritos, and pickle flavored potato chips. But for once, a monthly event that usually brings tears and disappointment feels like a little dose of hope. Not only does it mean that (as far as we know) my cycles aren't messed up, but it also means we can try again on our own. And like I said, though our chances without medical help aren't stellar, at least we can try. I feel a little less stuck and held back than I have the past several weeks, so I'm going to call that progress.

Even though I don't have to worry about my cycles for now, I'm not out of the woods yet. For the past few months I've had more twinges around my left ovary, and after the cycle of injections in April, those twinges became more pronounced and painful. Usually twinges are a sign of ovulation, but ultrasounds revealed that I had been ovulating from my right ovary, including the time I got pregnant. I've never noticed any twinges on the right side. During the week before I miscarried and then the week before the D&C the pain increased more and I was petrified that I had an ectopic pregnancy on my hands, but that was ruled out. Now lately the pains are greater--so much so that last week I could hardly sit still in the pew in church as the sharp twinges would jolt my body in flashes of pain. I debated whether I should go to the doctor for this or if i was worrying about nothing, but I'm quite scared that something could be really wrong and choosing to ignore it will only exacerbate the problem. So tomorrow I will be going to a hospital here in Connecticut for ultrasounds and tests and will then meet with a doctor next week. And perhaps nothing is wrong, but intense pain isn't normal and I'd rather be safe than sorry, so we'll see what they say next week.

Emotionally, things are generally ok. Some days are hard---I go on with my life until I read or see something that brings all of the heartache and the reality of living with infertility back to the surface. And I cry for an afternoon. Or maybe a day. Or perhaps two. But then the pain starts to fade and I get back to life until it happens again. Not having my puppy to cuddle when days are hard is difficult, but luckily I have my fun videos and photos of the little pup to cheer me up when I need it. I'm having a hard time telling myself "don't worry about it this summer, just relax and don't think about trying to conceive", because I want to feel like I'm working towards my goal of being a mother. And right now I feel a little stuck. However time is flying by fairly quickly with all of our weekend trips, so I'm sure we'll be back at the fertility clinic in (almost) no time. 

I still struggle with feeling like I have purpose. Many nights have ended in tears after trying to write a list of long term goals and plan Bs, only to conclude with "be a mom" as the one, solitary bullet. I go back and forth about going back to school for a Masters, weighing the cost and the value and what I would (or could) even do with it. I'm stubborn I know, but I think I know I'm just not ready to accept that I need a plan B....or C or D or Z. I'm not ready to accept that I need to figure out a job or a career or a Masters program because it could be several more years before we have a child. I can't think of anything I would want to do for years besides be a mom, quite frankly. But I know I need something to feel like I have a purpose, like I'm smart and creative and useful, like my time and efforts are worthwhile. And heaven knows its not going to get any better when Joey starts deploying in less than a year. So yeah--I'm feeling the pressure right now. This is about the time I make a joke with Joey and say "does our baby know its making life really difficult right now? It'd sure be nice if he'd go ahead and get here already!"

So anyways, looks like for the next couple months we'll be hoping extra hard for one heck of a miracle!