I'm So Over This.

Today has been a hard day.

I've certainly written less about infertility lately, and I suppose that's because we aren't doing any sort of treatment right now so there isn't really much to say. And for the sake of not beating you over the head with an endless onslaught of venting, I have refrained from sharing some of the regular thoughts, frustrations, and upsets that roll over month to month.

But dang it, today I'm so tired of being infertile. 

Eck. I hate that I even have to use that word. It feels so fatalistic. 

I won't go in to the details, but it really felt like this month was going to be the month. I remembered all the things I felt the last time I got pregnant, and I knew this had to be it. What really sealed the deal is my new ability to sob at every youtube video of a soldier surprising his kids, or ASPCA commercial of poor, pitiful puppies. Not just shed a tear or two, no. I mean loudly, uncontrollably weep for half an hour after the fact. Its embarrassing. And further, it doesn't help when people fill your head with dreamy anecdotes about their best friend's niece's cousin's so-and-so who got pregnant right after they had a miscarriage. So no matter how much I tried to suppress the what-if's and could-it-be's, they persisted and defiantly squeezed out every last ounce of rational, level headed thinking that should've reminded me that statistics say I have less than a 4% chance and I need to get real. My bad! But I'm pretty confident I am very not pregnant.

Sure, overall life is pretty good right now. I've had several friends remark to me that our life looks incredible, that they're so jealous of the activities we've gotten to do this summer. And I'll give it to 'em, we've done and seen some pretty neat things, like going to Boston for 4th of July, getting a fancy-schmancy camera, spending two weekends in NYC plus amazing seats at a Broadway show, doing some 'grown up shopping' as we like to call it, and eating some of the best food along the east coast. And hey, we're going to Italy in 27 days. And its been really fun. Its all been a fairly adequate distraction from infertility and a way of healing from the miscarriage. Its been great living in a bit of a fantasy, taking advantage of opportunities that, logistically and financially (not that we're really swimming in green right now by any means, though), we might not have again--or at least for quite some time. And sometimes I may have thought to myself, "ha, everyone else is spending their money on maternity clothes and cribs and burp cloths and I'm booking plane tickets to Italy, so suck it infertility!" 

But you know what? All of the traveling and adventures and excitement don't make days like today any easier. I can guarantee that. We've made a great effort to try to bury the underlying pain that hangs on to our hearts month to month with trips, fine eating, and shopping. But when it comes down to it, even a vacation to Europe isn't enough to fill the void created by infertility and the loss of our unborn little one that we remember nearly every day. 

I had so hoped that we'd have a very real miracle this summer, but I'm becoming more and more convinced that we won't be finished with our infertility clinic for quite some time.

See ya in September, CFS!

But again, despite all of this, I'd like to express how grateful I am for Joey. He is kind, patient, and so loving. His heart hurts as much as mine, yet he keeps going and carries me with him when I just can't do it myself. He is such an example to me and I'm so lucky to have him.