After The Storm.

Last week we had some sudden storm clouds roll in during the late afternoon---I mean it was like when the alien spaceship creeps over the city in Independence Day. Super dark and eerie. But after a few minutes of wind and rain, the clouds broke up and the darkness faded, and revealed the most stunning rainbow and sunset. I first noticed it outside our window and told Joey "we gotta go! come on get shoes on so we can get outside!" So down seven flights of stairs we ran, putting our shoes on as we went. Once we got outside I realized that my iPhone just wasn't going to cut it on this one, so I asked and my super sweet and giving husband obliged, to run back upstairs (again, we're on the seventh floor) and grab our new canon rebel. Isn't he the greatest?! He returned just in time for me to catch as much of this perfect rainbow as possible before it started to fade away.

If you look closely at the photo on the right you can see the double rainbow!

Though a fairly inconsequential experience, it was so fun to run outside and capture a fleeting yet beautiful event!

Surprising Sister Aldridge.

Not gonna lie, one of the reasons I wanted to go to the temple while we were visiting DC was that I knew one of my best friends and college roommate was serving her mission in DC and had been at the temple visitors center for quite some time, and I was really hoping to see her there. We hadn't seen each other since Joey and I got married over a year ago, so my fingers were definitely crossed.

We got to the temple sometime around 10am and checked at the visitors center for Jenna, only to find that she wasn't there. I tried not to be, but I was disappointed. Luckily, another sweet sister wanted to help us out so she checked the schedule and told us Jenna would be at the visitors center later that afternoon! So we spent some time in the temple, went out and had lunch, did some shopping, picked up cupcakes at Georgetown Cupcakes (including a belated birthday cupcake for Jenna) and made our way back to the temple.

We explained again that we were looking for Sister Aldridge and another missionary went to find her. Apparently she was watching one of the movies at the visitors center when we arrived, and she wondered who on earth was interrupting her movie. Boy, was she surprised when she turned the corner and saw us standing there! 

It was so great seeing her again! It was like having a little piece of what life used to be like in Virginia. We sat down and talked for about an hour---she told us about how much she loves serving a mission and teaching the gospel in Spanish, and we talked to her about whats been going on in our lives the last couple months, and she had some very sweet words of hope and encouragement for us. We talked about how after her mission, she, Mallory, and I are going to have Skype dates so we can watch Nacho Libre and The Office together again---if you haven't watched comedies with Jenna and hear her laugh, you just haven't lived. Its so clear how happy she is right now and how much she loves sharing the gospel. And she sure did love that chocolate peanut butter cupcake we brought her---a long-time shared favorite of ours. Getting to see Jenna was hands down one of the highlights of the week!

We love you, Sister Aldridge, and can't wait to see you again!

Our Temple.

Before actually getting to Connecticut we decided to take our time and spend a few days visiting favorite cities and friends. First stop: Washington DC! Boy, it felt so good to be back in a familiar place. And of course a trip to the temple we got married in was number one on our list of things to do while we were there---followed by an absolutely mandatory lunch at Cava and a peanut butter chocolate cupcake from Georgetown Cupcakes, naturally. 

Where I'm At.

I've wanted to write an infertility update recently, but there isn't really much going on---much to my displeasure. After the miscarriage I was not in the best place emotionally--my heart was understandably broken, and as much as I like to think I'm generally a positive person, life was fairly difficult. And even though I shouldn't be ashamed of my grief, and its ok that I didn't (and still haven't completely) accept what happened or bounce back quickly, I decided to take a little break from blogging about infertility until we got to Connecticut. 

So now that we're here, now what? 

Here's the dish--

We are taking a break, of sorts. Obviously if we're here and the fertility clinic is in South Carolina, we can't do treatments. That thought has been extremely frustrating to me. We want to get back to it, but the fact that we can't do any sort of injections or procedures means we're pretty much left on our own until the fall. Sure, we can't say miracles won't happen, but when you're already sitting at a 4% chance every month (and it just keeps getting lower), things aren't really looking good for you on your own. 

So that brings us to the next facet of where we're at. Because my body wouldn't miscarry on is own and I had to have a D&C, we were instructed that my body needed more time before trying again. Some doctors say try again as soon as you want, others say wait three months. Ours told us to wait until after I get my next period (I know I know, the dreaded P word. Eh, ya gotta talk about it sometimes). This has been yet another source of frustration and anxiety for me. I've heard countless stories of women who, after a miscarriage, have irregular periods or none at all. This has been a fear of mine because if that were to happen, more time and effort and potential treatments would be spent on just getting my cycle as regular as possible again, before we could even worry about trying to conceive. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather have as few barriers and obstacles as possible. Luckily, after 38 days (a little long but I'll take it) I started a new period last week. And for the first time in my post-pubescent life, I was ecstatic about it. Sure, my uterus feels like it wants to fall out, and sure, I'm beyond bloated and yet still only want to eat chocolate, burritos, and pickle flavored potato chips. But for once, a monthly event that usually brings tears and disappointment feels like a little dose of hope. Not only does it mean that (as far as we know) my cycles aren't messed up, but it also means we can try again on our own. And like I said, though our chances without medical help aren't stellar, at least we can try. I feel a little less stuck and held back than I have the past several weeks, so I'm going to call that progress.

Even though I don't have to worry about my cycles for now, I'm not out of the woods yet. For the past few months I've had more twinges around my left ovary, and after the cycle of injections in April, those twinges became more pronounced and painful. Usually twinges are a sign of ovulation, but ultrasounds revealed that I had been ovulating from my right ovary, including the time I got pregnant. I've never noticed any twinges on the right side. During the week before I miscarried and then the week before the D&C the pain increased more and I was petrified that I had an ectopic pregnancy on my hands, but that was ruled out. Now lately the pains are greater--so much so that last week I could hardly sit still in the pew in church as the sharp twinges would jolt my body in flashes of pain. I debated whether I should go to the doctor for this or if i was worrying about nothing, but I'm quite scared that something could be really wrong and choosing to ignore it will only exacerbate the problem. So tomorrow I will be going to a hospital here in Connecticut for ultrasounds and tests and will then meet with a doctor next week. And perhaps nothing is wrong, but intense pain isn't normal and I'd rather be safe than sorry, so we'll see what they say next week.

Emotionally, things are generally ok. Some days are hard---I go on with my life until I read or see something that brings all of the heartache and the reality of living with infertility back to the surface. And I cry for an afternoon. Or maybe a day. Or perhaps two. But then the pain starts to fade and I get back to life until it happens again. Not having my puppy to cuddle when days are hard is difficult, but luckily I have my fun videos and photos of the little pup to cheer me up when I need it. I'm having a hard time telling myself "don't worry about it this summer, just relax and don't think about trying to conceive", because I want to feel like I'm working towards my goal of being a mother. And right now I feel a little stuck. However time is flying by fairly quickly with all of our weekend trips, so I'm sure we'll be back at the fertility clinic in (almost) no time. 

I still struggle with feeling like I have purpose. Many nights have ended in tears after trying to write a list of long term goals and plan Bs, only to conclude with "be a mom" as the one, solitary bullet. I go back and forth about going back to school for a Masters, weighing the cost and the value and what I would (or could) even do with it. I'm stubborn I know, but I think I know I'm just not ready to accept that I need a plan B....or C or D or Z. I'm not ready to accept that I need to figure out a job or a career or a Masters program because it could be several more years before we have a child. I can't think of anything I would want to do for years besides be a mom, quite frankly. But I know I need something to feel like I have a purpose, like I'm smart and creative and useful, like my time and efforts are worthwhile. And heaven knows its not going to get any better when Joey starts deploying in less than a year. So yeah--I'm feeling the pressure right now. This is about the time I make a joke with Joey and say "does our baby know its making life really difficult right now? It'd sure be nice if he'd go ahead and get here already!"

So anyways, looks like for the next couple months we'll be hoping extra hard for one heck of a miracle!