Late Night Thoughts on Trials, Pain, Christmas, and Hope.

I don't exactly know where to start, so I'm just going to write, because I know I need to say it. I don't often talk about my faith or beliefs, mostly because I just wasn't really raised in my family to talk about them with others, so its not something I'm naturally inclined to do. But tonight there are some things I'd just really like to say----

Tonight I'm so grateful for that hand to hold as we go through the trials we face.

For the past few weeks I have been overwhelmed with the trials we are facing, our family and friends are facing, and people around the world are facing, and today it has all come to an emotional, almost paralyzing head. 

Prototype has been more challenging for Joey than we expected. I am facing physical trials during this pregnancy for which there's not really a cure that is safe while I carry this baby. We are reminded of the loss of our first babe as his December due date gets closer and closer. Today we are mourning the loss of a close friend to suicide. Our friends are struggling with trials of their own, from cancer to miscarriage and everything in between. And every day there are stories around the internet of suffering and tragedy, the pain of which is only magnified by the holiday season and the desire for peace, love, happiness, and family. There are problems in the world that there just aren't solutions for. And I find it all utterly heartbreaking. 

When I was struggling heavily with depression and anxiety, I would read about these kinds of problems and I would feel immense, personal sorrow and guilt. Sorrow that such terrible things could happen in the world, and guilt that I couldn't fix them. I distinctly remember a time during my freshman year of college when I sat at my desk, sobbing, because I had read an article about animals that were becoming extinct, and I felt like it was my fault because their was nothing I could do about it. 

And today, I have felt similar sorrow and an urge so great to fix those pains for people that my legs and arms physically ache, wishing there was something I could do to make everything better or to at the very least ease in any way the suffering, pain, and sadness.

Yes, in my story from college I needed to learn that I needed professional help to combat and eventually overcome my depression and anxiety and the feelings that came with it. But more importantly, and most significantly to how I'm experiencing things today, I needed to learn that I can't be the savior for everyone. I can't take away people's pain. I can't make people make certain choices that would bring them more relief and happiness. I can't fix the world. 

And today, as I think about all of the trials facing our family, those we care about, and man kind in general, I have to force myself to remember that lesson--and further, that there is a savior that can heal these pains. 

I know i don't always handle trials gracefully. I've had my fair share of moments during which I've been angry, hurt, and confused. I, like every other human being at some point during their existence have asked 'why me?'. But for some reason, the last few weeks it has really clicked, and I cling to the knowledge that eventually, everything will be made right. I cling to the knowledge that Christ really is a Savior for the world and that He will come again, and when He does, every injustice, every pain, every tragedy, every loss, every sorrow we've ever experienced will be remedied, and we will find such great relief and peace. I cling to the knowledge that in the meantime, the Atonement can also bring us peace and help us get through trials and give us perspective until that time when everything is made perfect and whole again. I cling to what Joseph B. Wirthlin calls the principle of compensation--- that "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which has been taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude". 

I've always felt that Christmas is multifaceted. There is a Christ part, and there is a Santa/presents/silly traditions part, and both are valuable. I think its ok that Christmas has both religious and secular components. I don't think the holiday should be solely one or the other (not that there's anything wrong with that if that's how you choose to celebrate Christmas), but this year I've never been so glad to focus more on the Christ part of Christmas. I find myself so overwhelmed with simultaneous sadness for the pains of the world and joy in my faith in Jesus Christ and the Plan of Salvation, and it just brings me back to how desperately I need Christ in my life and in our family, because we simply can't get through it all on our own. I cannot wait until that day when every trial is righted and our tears of sorrow are replaced with tears of joy. Sometimes I think that truth is the only way I can get through all of that hurt every single one of us goes through. I can get through things (though it may take some time) because of a hope for perfect and complete relief.

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Thank you for letting me share this with you. My heart is full of many emotions tonight and I can barely contain it. My thoughts are with friends, family, and strangers alike who are struggling in their own ways, and I hope so desperately that you can find the relief and peace that we all greatly desire. 

THANK YOU.

We just wanted to take a minute to express our gratitude for all of the friends and family who have extended such love and well wishes to us and our little peach. Several friends emailed or texted to let me know how happy they were, saying they even relayed the news to other friends and they were celebrating and getting excited for us. Its been a difficult journey to get to this point, but its been amazing to have so many people in our lives rooting for us. We certainly have much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving!

Oh! Several friends have asked---and no, we didn't conceive while on our honeymoon in Italy over three months ago, however it looks like our good deed and extra payment to the Trevi Fountain did the trick! We're not superstitious people, but I do love that that's part of our story. So now you know folks---the Trevi Fountain can really work some serious magic! 

I'm sure you've noticed the frequency of posts has diminished over the last couple months, and we're just going to chalk it up to all of that first trimester exhaustion thing and just feeling sub-par in general. But hopefully the nausea, exhaustion, and super emotional-ness will start to fade soon and we can get back to normal! ----I still have some photos from things we did in New England over the summer….whoops!

ps: look forward to a great list of all the ridiculous things I cry about now…

Have a great Monday, and thank you again!

Give Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends!

Gratitude in Photos

Sometimes life just gets too hard and there are days like today. And the only thing you can do is try your best to focus on the good you experience and the things you love.

Engagement Photos Are Here!

Remember the little sneak peek of our engagement session? Well, our photos are hot off the press from Brinn Willis of BMW Photography! Here are some of our favorites. Enjoy!

Love Locks

[Russia]

[Italy]

[China]

[Germany]

[Japan]

I don't love very many sentimental and especially popular things, but when I saw love lock fences and chains in Italy, I adored it. Joey and I plan on somehow incorporating this idea into our life together.

Engagement Photo Preview!

I am happy to share some of the preview photos from our engagement shoot on Saturday with Brinn Willis of BMW Photography! It was such a joy working with Brinn again, and despite my nervousness prior to the shoot, Joey and I had so much fun with her and turned out to be a great de-stressor. What a wonderful afternoon!

I absolutely loved the idea of a canoe or boat--lucky for us, Brinn (you know, that awesome woman that took our awesome photos) had one, and though we were so worried about tipping over, I am beyond glad that we were able to include something so fun and unique.

I wanted to make a quilt for Joey and I to use in our engagement photos. I bought fabric in our wedding colors and spent the week before the shoot cutting over 100 squares and putting it together. To finish it, I hand stitched our names and a big 'F' for Fleshman in one of the corners.

After scoping out the trees we were able to find a spot to hang my refashioned "chandelier" from this post.

This is also the blue lace dress I mentioned in this post. Determined to sew a successful dress I made a mock up out of muslin, fit it just right, and made my own pattern pieces to ensure a perfect fit (which was great since I bought the original pattern in 2003 and the back pattern piece was nowhere to be found!). Don't worry, another post with photos of the dress is already in the works.

And did you notice my hair piece? I brought Joey's tie with me to the fabric store to find just the right green, and made the silk accessory the night before the shoot. What's more, no sewing machine required--all you need is a glue gun and a lighter!

I also chose to wear my cameo that I bought at a flea market in Siena, Italy. Its simply gorgeous and I just had to show off my authentic Italian, vintage find.

My final (and last minute) project was a couple signs: one for me that said "I said Yes", and another for Joey that said, "She said Yes".

Call me excessive, but I loved every minute of sewing, thrifting, crafting, painting, and designing, and I truly adore the way everything turned out. I'm so excited to see the rest of our photos (did I mention that they're by Brinn Willis?), and even more excited to marry the greatest guy around!

Brinn's blog. Check it out.

Book: The Happiness Project

Last year I saw this book while I was at Anthropologie in New York City, and upon returning to Virginia, ordered it from the always cheaper Amazon. Now its been my go-to book whenever I have some spare time to read.

I can honestly say I definitely recommend it. Now, it is a personal memoir, so a reader must take some things with a grain of salt, but it general, it is enlightening and creates a mental and emotional environment for personal inspiration and insight.

For example, While reading the book, I started to feel guilty that it was taking me so long, that I hadn't finished it in a couple weeks. But here's what I think Gretchen would tell me: Who cares! Probably what I've learned the most while reading this book is that I have to be Meg--not some idea of who Meg should be or who she's "supposed" to be, but Meg. Who cares if I can't read for hours on end? Who cares if I don't love playing sports at ward activities? I like what I like. I don't have to want to like everything or do everything. Obviously there are some things in life that are more important and I want to pursue (like exercising more, learning about emergency preparedness, various things that will help me raise a family, etc), but in general, I just need to be Meg. I like to sew or make extra details to package a plate of treats, I like to hand write letters once a week, I like to read interesting and unique news articles, I like to try new foods, I like to organize regularly. Some people might not like those things at all, and that's ok. What really matters is that I'm trying to be my best self, live my faith, and love those around me, and that is what makes me truly happy.

[Here is Gretchen Rubin's website dedicated to the happiness project]

What insights or inspirations have you gained that have helped you be your happiest?

General Conference

The 181st Semiannual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is what I'll be watching this weekend! I am so ready for the uplifting weekend that is General Conference.

Some links to share the love:

Learn who we are

The official LDS website

Watch General Conference on your computer

Read previous conference talks

General Conference has something for everyone, by Jeffrey R. Holland

Enjoy!

ENGAGED

I don't know who even reads this, or if anyone does, but.....dear blogging world: I'M ENGAGED!

And to the most amazing man, at that!

The proposal was a complete surprise--joey had been planning it for over a month, my friends were in on it, and he tricked me by telling me he was in virginia beach for the weekend, so i didn't even think he was around!

It was absolutely perfect--special and unique to us, but not flashy or over the top. I loved it, and I love Joey.

Gotta call the family!

And of course, gotta show off that bling! Did Joey do great or what?!

We are simply ecstatic about getting engaged and getting to plan our wedding. Because he goes to VMI, Joey can't get married until after he graduates, so the wedding will be in spring 2012 in Washington DC.

In the mean time, you can just get used to calling me Mrs. Meg Fleshman.

181st Semi-Annual General Conference

Watch & Enjoy.

For Japan With Love

Having What You Need

I saw this image on someone else's blog this morning, and it really struck a chord with me today.

There are so many things I want. I want the money I need to go to Italy in May. I want to be done with school. I want spring to be here. I want it to be May 2012 already. I want to be 20 lbs lighter. I want a pair of grey pumps. I want a spa day. I want my dad to be able to get a job. I want my boyfriend to be able to visit me on the weekdays. I want to go back to NYC. I want everything to work out....

And yet, despite the infinite list of wants, I am truly and honestly, perfectly happy--Because I have everything I need.

I have the gospel in my life. I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I have a family that loves me. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I have the most amazing guy for a boyfriend and he loves me. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I have scholarships which allow me to go to a great school. I have a job I love. I have a passion for life and learning new things. I have warm clothes during this cold winter. I have a life with very few crises. I have beautiful memories of some of the great things I have done in my life.

This photo was a great reminder to me to remember that I have everything I need, and that I should be grateful for those things. I don't know if there is anyone out there that even reads the things I post, but if there is, my one recommendation at the start of this weekend, is to take five minutes today to think about all of the wonderful things that are in your life. I have found that focusing on the haves instead of the have-nots can definitely lead to a more fulfilling and happy life.

Candy Cane Hot Chocolate (With the Bear On It)

Well! it has certainly been a long time! Life has been so busy and so wonderful! so many things have happened in the past month and i have been blessed with so much! i don't know what i did to deserve it all, but i am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who has given me everything.

Ok, so the first thing i couldn't be more grateful for this holiday season is my charming, smart, handsome, kind, and loving boyfriend, Joey. Joey goes to the Virginia Military Institute and we met in our student ward. he has brought me so much happiness these past couple months and has been just wonderful.

Second, one of my favorite things about christmas is the candy cane hot chocolate. ohhh so good! every year i have my mom peruse the aisles of my hometown walmart to find the individual packets of the candy can hot chocolate mix with the bear on the cover.

it really is the little things in life that bring so much joy!

My General Conference Weekend

General Conference was this weekend, and boy was I excited. Its even better going to an LDS school because professors give us a break from homework, and everybody gets together and has potlucks and other fun activities in between sessions. General Conference weekend is the greatest!

....until this year.

saturday afternoon my housemates and I had a mexican dinner with lots of friends. it was so yummy and i was feeling so satisfied and ready to watch the second saturday session.

and then it began.

i was walking out the door and noticed my stomach was starting to hurt. by the time i got to the chapel i felt so sick! i went to the bathroom thinking i was going to throw up, but after 20 minutes of waiting over the toilet, i only felt even sicker. i went back to the chapel and tried to listen, but i only got halfway through one talk when i decided i needed to go home. mallory walked me home and luckily we have byu tv in our apartment so i could watch the rest, but i was too busy throwing up that i didn't really get to watch any of it.

the rest of the night i stayed curled up in a ball on the couch, just begging for the pain to go away and to stop getting sick! Man was it terrible. i hate throwing up! i seriously cry every time. and i threw up like 15 times! needless to say, many tears were shed.

thank goodness i was able to fall asleep and didn't get sick the rest of the night. i woke up sunday morning feeling tired and empty, but the pain had gone away, so i was so grateful! after taking it slow and munching on some crackers and sipping apple juice, i was able to eat an actual meal at dinner, and i think whatever was in my system is finally out. thank goodness!

BUT, my whole point in telling this story, is to share this:

The Best 'Feel Better' Gift Ever.

my best friend Mallory made me a video to make me feel better, and it is quite possibly one of my favorite things ever. Your are the best, Mal!!

Would you believe saturday?

well, obviously i didn't get around to blogging on wednesday. i can't believe i even think about these things. but anyways...

life has been pretty great lately! lots of things to do, and a few bumps along the way, but really life is wonderful. Heavenly Fathers has blessed me so much!

one of these blessings is my new job! i am the graphic designer for the travel study program at SVU. i didn't even see it coming! i was just walking by the office and the director asked me if i wanted the job! its been great. lots of work, but lots of fun, and i can't wait to go on a couple trips!

however, one of the hard parts about being at school is not having my two dogs with me to snuggle and wag their little tails when i walk in the door after a long day. i am convinced that dogs are the perfect companion. they will do anything for you, always love you, and have the best personalities. nothing cheers me up after a rough day like my adorable babies.

Maddie Girl (this is how we find her sleeping most of the time)

Willie Man (he is one smart, energy filled dog!)

ahh, just a couple more months and i can snuggle with my babies once more!

Major Blessings

well, first let me say that Heavenly Father is absolutely amazing and is always blessing me even if i don't deserve it.

the past couple weeks have been pretty difficult. my dad and his sister pretty much ripped me apart when i told them about joining the peace corps. they were so not happy with me...with my dad its nothing new really; unless i join the air force he honestly isn't proud of or happy with anything i do. they also began to bash on temples and temple marriages, so i know that that is another battle down the road.

i love my dad, but i really hate that he knows nothing about me and we have nothing in common. truly we are night and day. it makes me sad. i wish i could talk to him about things, and tell him about things im excited about, or have him give me a blessing, or talk about the gospel, but he doesnt take me seriously and mocks almost everything i do. its a shame really.

without going into the nasty details, im having a hard time at home. often i feel like i don't fit in, that im just different. i feel alone alot.

the past few days ive been praying so hard for God to soften my heart towards my family, but to also help ease the pain and sadness i feel. ive been praying for friends that i can turn to when i need a break (for the past three years i have spent summer virtually alone; i dont have any old friends from high school and only acquaintances from church).

God answered my prayers, and people from my stake that i knew in high school began talking to me and inviting me to things. i was so grateful, but at the same time, it was a little tough...i mean i hadn't seen them in years so i didn't have much to talk to them about, i don't go to BYU like the rest of them, which comes up more than you would think..., and i just noticed that i wasn't meshing with them as well as i do with people at SVU. i wanted to participate and have friends so badly, but it was a bigger adjustment than i thought.

i continued to pray for help, and God didn't give up on me and continued to bless me. several times this week when i really needed a friend or someone to ask me to sit with them at church when i was alone, someone was there. it happened at church today and i just sat there repeating in my head, "thank you, thank you, thank you".

I don't know if any of this made sense, but after this week i have seen that Heavenly Father is so loving and is blessing my life constantly. i also learned however, that if we ask for something and He gives it to us, we cannot refuse that gift when its presented. If i pray for just one friend, and someone comes along and invites me to something, i can't say no. like i said, its an adjustment, but if i have faith to consider asking for help, i've got to have faith that what God has suggested or given to me will work.

long time, no see

well! its been a while. i was in utah for a little over a month and decided to just focus on doing family things instead...but now im back in humid ohio, and rather than going outside and sweating to death, i have decided to catch up on blogs, books, and sewing projects!

first, i found this photograph that i just love!



so cool. i just love elephants!

second, i've just gotta say that Heavenly Father had really blessed me the past few days.
last week, i was driving home to AF from visiting my old roommate in bountiful, and got horribly lost. well apparently, whilst getting lost, i ended up going 45 in a 30. so i got pulled over, and at first i was in complete shock, i couldn't believe it happened! and i was so upset because it was a complete accident, i got lost, going down a steep hill, on a five lane road (what kind of five lane road has a 30mph speed limit?!), and there was no speed sign on the section of road i was on. gah, just a horrible combination! thankfully, the officer didn't give me a ticket, which would have been around $300--$300 i didn't have.
next, i knew i had rent to pay for my apartment this fall, but didn't put two and two together until now to realize that i wouldn't get my scholarship refund money until september, when my rent is way past due! i was freaking out, because if i didn't have that apartment i would have nowhere to live.again, by a huge blessing, the land lady said i can pay once i get my refund, and not to worry about it! so thats another $500 or so that i dont have to worry about! boy, i am so grateful!