Its Not Just a Case of the Mondays

Today is a stay-in-bed-and-eat-your-feelings kind of day.

Unfortunately, I absolutely had to go to the grocery store this morning or we'd have a heaping plate of nothing for dinner tonight.

But you can bet that as soon as I came home, I crawled right back in to bed, unwrapped my embarrassing yet craving-satisfying Taco Bell burrito, and resumed the way my morning began---in tears. Of course, I had to go to work a couple hours later. And now I sit at my desk, eyes burning, swollen, and red from crying, praying I can just hold on for four hours and then I can go home, away from everyone.

Its one of those days where I wish I could just sleep forever, because that's the only true moment of solace and escape from the heartache. 

Not every day is this bad---some days I go on with life.

And then, something happens that brings you right back to reality---broken, barren, a failure. 

Everyone tells me that this isn't a punishment from God, but it sure feels like it. 

Everyone says that its not the right time, but then I think about all of the teenage girls, the women who have one night stands, the irresponsible, the abusive, the drug addicts, who are pregnant. Is it the right time for them? 

I got an education. I got married in the temple. I did everything I could to be someone that would make a good (or at the very least a decent) mom. I married a good man who is trustworthy and kind. We can actually afford to care for a child. We pay our tithing. We go to church every Sunday. We fulfill our callings.

But its not the right time for me? For us?

I sound horribly dramatic. But,

Studies have shown that women dealing with infertility experience the same stress, depression, and general negative feelings as someone with cancer or the loss of a loved one. The grief of infertility is no less than the grief of illness or death. 

So every 33-42 days, I'm left mourning the loss of a child that doesn't even exist yet, a dream that once again didn't come true. I'm mourning my failure as a female, my inability to perform the greatest privilege God gives to women. I'm mourning my stupidity for getting my hopes up every month and thinking 'this could finally be it'. I'm mourning being mocked by my body that lies to me and makes me think the nausea, tenderness, headaches, bloating, and initial absence of a period are all signs that this pain is over. 

I've done ten months of this. 

And though that might seem like nothing to some, 

its been an eternity for me. 

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Despite all of this, I'd at least like to say that I'm touched by those who reached out to me over the weekend and who encouraged me through blog comments, Facebook messages, and emails to tell my story. I'm grateful for your support and love.

***update 3/21: Saying that the grief of infertility is similar to the kind that comes with cancer or death is not meant to offend anyone or make those trials less painful and horrible. It is not saying that they are the same experience. They aren't. It is saying that the level of grief is similar. This doesn't lessen the pain people feel during the death of a loved one or through cancer. Likewise, the grief of realizing you miss a child that never existed, isn't to say that you know exactly what its like to lose one of your actual children. It is simply mourning the loss of a dream, every month. As Resolve, the National Fertility Association explains, 

"Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."***

$5 Happiness and a Question for YOU

You know what one of the best sights in the world is?

Your handsome husband in his Navy uniform, walking through the door after a day at work, flowers for you in hand.

---- And I'm married to the guy!

That was my Thursday afternoon, and I loved it. 

I had a friend when I was younger who was adamant that fresh flowers are a useless gesture because they just die (yeah I'm calling you out, Trav!), but I have to whole heartedly disagree. A vase of flowers is one of my favorite things in life, and receiving a surprise bouquet from my best friend and love brings me so much joy. I'm so grateful for a husband who thinks of me, and remembers that a five dollar bouquet of flowers can turn my whole day around.

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So, I have something to run by you guys----

Well, I've been so touched by the love and encouragement that I (and we) have received as I've opened up about our infertility experience. It was a bit of a surprise to me.

You see, I've come to realize that I regularly create my own judgments for myself, and assume that others around me have them about me. I feel some nebulous judgment and guilt when I buy organic. I feel it when I don't buy organic. I feel it when I comment in groups or forums. I feel it when I blog. I feel it when I think about writing about infertility. Maybe I'm just a narcissist for thinking people think things about me that much (I know they most likely don't, but I'm still paranoid). I don't know. But what I do know is that I allow judgements I assume other people have about me (whether they actually have them or not) to stifle me and keep me from trying things I might want to try. 

Well one of those things I've been thinking about trying is writing more about my infertility experience. I originally approached my experience with the mentality that none of my friends or family would want to know about it because it would make them feel uncomfortable or they wouldn't be interested or care, quite frankly. I didn't want to be one of those people that are too open and alienate all of their social contacts. I just didn't want people to judge me and say "That Megan, she's crazy. What is she thinking?! Talk about awkward". 

But the more I read infertility blogs and group posts, etc, the more I feel like I might be able to provide a new point of view----

The past couple days I've been feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. 

I don't fit in with my group of pregnant friends (which seems to grow every day) because we're having practically the exact opposite experience. I don't fit in with my friends who don't want kids for a long time because some of them don't understand why I would even want a baby at 24 anyways. 

But then I feel like I don't fit in with a lot of the infertility support groups I've been sort of participating in because the majority of the women are several years older than me and have been going through infertility for four, five, six...ten! years. And I'm sitting here at the ten month mark. And maybe this is all in my head (you know, that whole paranoid judgment narcissism issue I seem to have?), but I feel like they look at me and think, "Who does she think she is? She has no idea what this is really like".  Toss in the Mormon and military thing (which both add their own logistical, emotional, and spiritual challenges), and I'm kind of feeling like a square peg in a round hole. 

***Now let me make a disclaimer and say that I in no way intend to offend anyone or seem ungrateful. We are blessed with some great friends and I'm grateful for those that try so hard to support and love us. But we find comfort in people that are going through the same things as us, you know?***

----OK, after all of that rambling (sorry if you're sitting there thinking, "Where is she going with this?"), I'm thinking that I would like to start writing more about my experience. I want to add my voice and help to open up the dialogue about infertility, a subject that has made women (and men!) feel embarrassed, broken, and ashamed.

I want to provide my point of view as someone who is just starting out---decoding the many acronyms, figuring out all of the different medications, coming to terms with the reality of seeing a fertility specialist, working to accept yourself and still feel feminine, finding purpose and motivation in a path you had never planned on....

Sure, we have no idea how long we will go through this. Maybe just a couple more months, maybe several more years. We don't know. But even if its for a small amount of time, I think my experience could still be valuable and could help other people who find themselves in this same situation.

So would this be ok with you guys? Would you read it? Would it be helpful?

I can't wait for you feedback---so please give it! 

;)

Meg's Update

 Been day dreaming about this Italian paradise lately

Well, on this sunny Thursday you can find me in bed, cuddled up with Remy and Marley, watching my own 30 Rock marathon as I recover from my little surgery I had yesterday. I figure that while I sit here, I might write a little something for our friends and family who are interested in my/our current infertility experience. Like I said when I first talked about it here, I don't plan on writing a lot about it or updating frequently, but I thought it would be ok to give an update on where I'm at.

Two weeks ago I had my first appointment with my new fertility specialist, and though it was overwhelming with a barrage of information, I'm glad I was able to get the referral and that Joey had the day off so he could come with me. I really like my doctor and my nurse, and everyone at the office is very kind and patient, which I really appreciate because sometimes I feel totally crazy trying to get through all of this. My doctor went over the next few steps over the coming months, including a couple diagnostic tests, a little surgery (which I did yesterday), moving on to medications and injections, and then on to IUIs. 

So, the main mind-blower was that, after doing some more blood work and ultrasounds, my doctor has determined that I don't in fact have PCOS---you know, that condition I've been told I had and have been treated for since I was 14. Yup, don't have it. I won't bore you with the details of how we arrived at that conclusion, but I trust that he's right and that I was misdiagnosed. It still is kind of crazy to me that I don't have it, and there are things about my body that I was told were a result of PCOS (but apparently aren't) that I'm having to reconcile and understand, but I know in general, its a good thing that I don't have it. The downside is, with PCOS being ruled out, Joey's tests coming back above average, and ultrasounds revealing that all of my errrmmm... hardware is working just fine, that right now my diagnosis is unexplained infertility. And I don't know about you guys, but I think in general, I would much rather know whats going on instead of saying 'well your insides look perfectly fine and seem to be working, but you're not getting pregnant and we don't know why'. So that kind of stinks, but at least we are moving forward and are going to try some things to help.

About yesterday. 

Remember in that first post I talked about that I mentioned I have a bicornuate uterus? Well yesterday I had a hysteroscopy to basically get some more info on what exactly is going on. The HSG test I did that first indicated the BU only shows the outline of the uterus, but we needed to see the inside. After the hysteroscopy we learned that the abnormality wasn't as extreme or "bad" as the HSG made us thought (apparently the X-ray from the HSG isn't as valuable as the hysteroscopy), and could easily be repaired right then and there. So my doctor went ahead with the surgery (I guess that's what you'd call it) and made a few incisions to create a more normal uterine shape. Oh, and did I mention I did it without any anesthesia or pain killers? Booyah. Yeah yeah, I know its not like having your femur sawed in half, but he was still cutting at my insides, and that hurts! But doing it right then without any meds was pretty much our best option, otherwise I'd have to wait for my next cycle (that's the tricky thing about infertility stuff. With a lot of things, you have to do it on a certain day and if you miss it, you have to wait another 30-40 days!) to reschedule, and because their anesthesiologist wasn't licensed with our insurance the anesthesia wouldn't have been covered anyways, so I just bit the bullet (only metaphorically) and went ahead with it. I will say that it wasn't as painful as I was thinking it might be, but it was still painful and left me feeling pretty light headed and dizzy for a while afterwards. The rest of the day (and still this morning) I've just had pain like really bad cramps---but thank goodness for a loving husband who took such good care of me. 

So what now? 

Well now that I essentially have a "perfect" uterus and we've determined that I don't have PCOS, we are moving forward under the diagnosis of unexplained infertility. So that means that when I start my next cycle, I will start Letrozole, an oral medication, and Follistim, a medication that is injected into my abdomen (yikes!). Basically the goal of these is to increase my monthly chances. So right now, I'm sitting at a 4-5% chance of getting pregnant each month (normal is 20% each month), and these medication should bring it up to 10-15% (I think, don't quote me on that though). Joey and I will decide how many cycles we want to try this way, and if they are unsuccessful, we will move on to IUI. We are hoping the medications work because they are essentially our last free options, because IUIs and other "artificial" methods are not covered by Tricare, our insurance. SO cross your fingers!

I'd be lying if I said I was fine through all of this, but I'm trying harder lately to have a positive outlook. I've definitely had some hard days where I just feel so confused and upset and devastated, but I'm trying. Sometimes I find it easier to be sad and depressed because if I'm completely negative, then I can't go any lower. But if I get my hopes up, I can always be disappointed. But I know this is no way to live, so I'm just trying to get through each day and find a way to be hopeful, even when there are setbacks. I do keep a separate journal dedicated to my experience that I can write about the bad days and the hard moments---I am a firm believer that sometimes you have to write about the ugly so that poison in your life can be released and you can move on. While I don't necessarily think the rest of the world needs to know about those ugly moments on a regular basis, I can tell that getting them out in a private way has been very therapeutic for me.

I've also been working on not being hurt by others and their comments, as good as their intentions might be. See, when you start being more open about infertility, more people start to share their opinions, advice, etc. too. And sometimes, while they might mean well (whether to lighten the mood, focus on the "positive" or what you have now, or make it seem like its not that bad), people say things that are actually hurtful----"you're only 24, you shouldn't be worried about kids!" "just relax, you're trying too hard and that's why its not working" "have you tried doing it more?" "maybe God has a different plan for you besides having kids" "just don't worry about it, we weren't even trying and we got pregnant!" "you want kids? take mine! once you have kids you'll wish you hadn't!". And dang it, sometimes its just too easy to be offended and sour. So I'm trying to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that their heart is in the right place, even if their comments aren't as helpful or uplifting as they might think. We are definitely grateful for those who think of us and want us to be happy.

Finally, I've decided to quite my job because it was adding unnecessary stress. Plus, infertility treatments require a lot of unexpected appointments because everything has to be scheduled on certain days of your cycle which you can't always predict so I wouldn't be a very dependable employee. Joey and I feel good about this decision and we think this is the right thing for me right now. I plan on filling my days with new books and projects, more exercising, and other activities to help me find fulfillment and happiness throughout each week. 

Well, if you read allllll of that, congrats! Go get a cookie. You earned it. 

I know it was a lot, but it helps me to write things and I know there are some friends and family who wanted to know what's been going on, so I figured I'd get it all down in once place. 

We love you all so much and are grateful for your prayers and well wishes. I know we haven't been dealing with this as long as other people out there have, but even so, its a difficult experience no matter what point in the journey you're at, so we certainly appreciate the support. 

Much love and happy Thursday!

Marley Just Keeps Getting Better

I call this her 'come hither' look...

Well as if Marley isn't crazy enough, she has recently taken to chasing her tail! At first she would only do it in one particular spot in the house, but lately she has moved on to other locations, including the back porch, and my personal favorite: the bath tub. 

Chasing her tail, playing fetch, drinking from the faucet--what will this goober kitty do next?!

Want more of Marley? Well in case you didn't see it on Facebook, click here to see a video we got of her last week, chasing the shadow of Joey's YoYo. It still cracks me up!